My hope is that openly admitting to this will help me to
accept it and therefore be secure.
Perhaps I don’t need to feel secure to be secure. Perhaps feeling and being are not the same.
Perhaps I can trust by not trusting, somehow. What comes to mind is Kahlil Gibran’s statement in The Prophet: Assume no weight of gratitude. What this means is that I’ll be better able to trust life by not constantly reminding myself to or trying to force myself to. It’s the same with gratitude.
Interestingly, I feel that there is a sense of security in openly expressing insecurity. Imagine saying to someone who you care about, I know you’re going to leave, and I am insecure about that. But it’s okay. Such a statement sounds more secure than insecure, even though explicitly it expresses the opposite.
At this point, the biggest thing this admission is doing for me is helping me to see that there’s no need to see the world in the way that I always have. Even though on the surface I often express a trust in life, subconsciously I tend to feel a distrust in myself and in other people. So there is incongruence between how I think, feel, and behave.
In my thoughts I know that it makes sense to always trust life. Yet when I’m around other people I often feel apprehensive to expressing myself very much at all, indicating that distrust is present. Rather than rely on my own intelligence I sometimes let fear make my decisions for me, and I make meaningless statements in an attempt to relieve the tension that I have imagined entirely.
I’ve labeled this incongruence as a lot of different things, over the years. Fake. Inauthentic. Dishonest. Defensive. Guarded. Withholding. Somehow insecure seems to ring a bell for me that none of these other labels have. I don’t know how much labelling the situation really matters, but, well, maybe it gives my insecure self something to chew on. :P
Anyway, the point here is that though I am insecure, I can still do my best to trust myself, use my intelligence, and be authentic. The ultimate goal is to speak so that my words reflect what I believe in, rather than talking just to talk. Because if I don’t believe what I’m saying, then who wants to hear it? I know I sure don’t.
Sometimes, soft is strong.
Read Related Articles: