It's okay that things are so unsteady and uncertain between us. I have no reason to be scared for myself over you. Taking something from this relationship is beneath both of us, and will not do anything for either of us. I will drain us both in the process.
All I can do is give to you. That is all I can genuinely want to do. I want you to feel and experience love. I want you to see your own intelligence, as well as that of this reality at large. I want you to see the beauty of life. Of course, I want you to see the beauty of your self.
Maybe I have done wrong before. But as long as I hold the intention to do no other than to give to you, and I consciously direct my thoughts to keep that intention clear, then I do not see how I can do wrong again.
Of course, I am fallible. But should I falter, I can re-transmit that mistake into transparency by acknowledging what I have done, what I would really like to do, and sharing the lessons I have learned, and I can thank you for helping me to learn these lessons (even if indirectly, which is often the case).
I will always love you. The way I feel about you- the way I experience that love- will not always be the same. But always, always, I can commit myself to the intention of sharing with you. Why do it? It simply is the nature I have chosen for myself. I had a choice between fear and love, and I chose love.
And I will continue making that choice, no matter how difficult it is.
With some people and in some situations, I will not appear very committed. It will look as though I am running away or being unreasonable, cold, and cruel. Sometimes, this is the case plain and simple. When that happens the only intelligent thing I can do is acknowledge what I have done and resolve to adjust course-- to return to a state of love, giving, and joy.
However, there are also situations which are so deeply mired in fear, misunderstanding, and incompatibility that they cannot be unraveled.
They cannot be saved by attempting to work through them. No agreeable conclusion will be reached. Both sides will continue blasting away with their weapons indefinitely. Unless and until one side changes to become more in line with the other (e.g. in regard to intentions and perspectives), the only intelligent solution is to leave. Just stop fighting, because as long as you try to interact with one another, fight is all you will do. Even if you do not fight outright, you will constantly be suspicious and distrustful of the other. Maybe you can manage to make things look alright on the outside, but deep down you are perpetually at unease.
It can be hard to say goodbye-- especially when you have gotten so used to assuming that human relationships are supposed to be so dreadful and war-like.
But that is mere assumption.
Leaving isn't necessarily the same thing as running away or hiding. When one side retreats in a battle, it isn't hiding from a conflict it needs to "man up" and deal with head-on. Rather, the people in charge see that there is no point in fighting this fight, since they will probably lose. It would be more honorable to keep all their men alive, rather than regard them as meatbags and recklessly sacrifice them.
How would fighting such a battle make an army stronger, or smarter, or nobler? If the only likely outcome of the war is mutually assured destruction, it is better to simply end it. Neither side will get what they want, which is for the other side to change or submit in a particular way. But if they can agree to just cut their losses and leave each other alone, everyone will be better off.
Giving Up Toleration
Life cannot be enjoyed by being tolerated, just as people cannot be loved by being endured.
Toleration is a waste of good energy that can be used elsewhere. Once you stop tolerating a situation, you free yourself to put your attention on creative endeavors that truly matter to you.
As for giving, when there is no workable, satisfactory way for you to interact with another person, you can give to them the space to be themselves and relief from wasteful toleration. This is what will result from leaving the situation. If this situation does nothing more than wrack your brains and make you anxious, odds are the other person is having a similar experience. By leaving, you provide peace and freedom to both sides. I’d say that’s quite a gift.
“Leaving” doesn’t have to be a total, permanent state. You’ll go back and forth, perhaps with small conversations and other interactions. However, no matter what happens, this relationship- whether it is with an activity, an object, or another person- will never be the same again. It cannot be, since sameness would mean continued, endless conflict.
The best you can do, when it comes to attempts at renewing the relationship, is to be disgustingly honest. You got out, in the first place, for a reason—it seemed that being yourself was a crime. So, that is precisely what you should do. If your living transparently still is a problem for the other side, obviously not much has changed. Not worth sticking around to see the end of this one.
On the other hand, if the other side is willing to listen, to acknowledge the issues, and to be transparent themselves, there might be something worth pursuing here—even if it is simply putting the relationship to rest with compassion, understanding, and peace.
Even then, don’t be surprised if you leave again. And maybe even come back again, too.
The only way to relate to things effectively is to do so presently. A relationship built on nothing but past-obligations is stifled and distasteful, and does little more than create tension between two people. There’s nothing conscious about it. Its foundation is dilapidated bricks.
Similarly, don’t tie yourself to an identity. Viewing yourself as “so-and-so’s brother,” or “x’s co-worker,” or even “a runner” is rather limiting, to say the least. While it seems like a petty matter of language, thinking in these terms can lead you to assume there is all manner of obligations you must fulfill—obligations which, of course, you did not choose, and probably have not even thought much about. You think you have to do them just because your fragile identity implies it.
The problem with this approach is that going through the motions unconsciously leads you to resent those motions—the motions of running x number of miles a week, or giving material gifts to certain people at certain times of year, or whatever it may be. Tension will build in the relationship, and you will complain, because you will see no way out of this situation. You’ll imagine you have to keep doing what you’re doing, because your identity says so.
The reason identifying yourself in such small ways doesn’t work is that doing so is inaccurate. A computer can function as a word processor, but it is not just a word processor, and it certainly is not one all the time. To regard a computer as nothing more than a word processor would be to seriously misunderstand what it is; use it in limited, even stifling, ways; and leave much of its potential and usefulness untapped.
If you genuinely believed your computer was only a word processor, you’d be able to type up documents, but you wouldn’t be able to print them out or upload them to the Internet. You would write and write and be unable to share it with others in any way. The writing would be trapped on your computer.
After a while of this, you would be darn frustrated. So don’t mistake your computer for a word processor, and don’t mistake yourself for your job title, either.
Whatever you do- whatever decisions you make in your relationships- don’t give into fear. Sometimes you will imagine that stepping down from what is right for yourself and making a sacrifice will preserve the relationship, and it will be worthwhile. Such a thought is a mistake.
Compromising where you don’t want compromise will actually make things worse- not better- because you will be embittered and disempowered by it. From that state of being, any so-called “love” you might attempt to express will be a strain on you, and you’ll become even weaker.
Real love does not weaken, but strengthen. Your attempts at love will not be love at all, but rather, expressions of fear. Fear is a master of disguise.
If you have to shrink your consciousness in order to preserve something external, you aren’t preserving anything at all. Your relationships will not be imbued with greater truth by your own denial, nor can you gain life by killing yourself. This is like trying to see by putting a blindfold on.
If you intend on compromising yourself in order to keep intact with something external to yourself, realize that you are about to step down a dark, doom-filled path. And you won’t be happy about it. In the end, you’ll be more resentful, disempowered, and confused than when you started.
Sometimes, some people are not worth talking to. It sucks, I know. Saying “no” to people is hard, I know. I’ve done it too many times too even imagine counting. It stings a little every time. But I do it because it provides me with freedom—the freedom to focus on and complete the things that, in my eyes, matter. If I said “yes” all the time I would be drained of time and sapped of clarity and energy. It would be like sloshing through a river of muck. I will pass on that, thank you.
Saying “no” is more intelligent in the long run, if it enables you to focus on the things you want to focus on (rather than be lost in a sea of meaningless things you just can’t give your care to right now). There’s no sense in fogging-up your clarity and drive so that you can maybe do something “right,” whatever that means (you have no idea).
There’s no sense in doing things that will guarantee bitterness. Why would you do that, dummy? Do you not like yourself or something? ;P
If you think you need to become a more valuable, upstanding human being, consider that saying “no” to the fog and instead taking your own initiative to do what matters is the path to get there. It might take a while for people to understand or care about what you are doing. They might even try to convince you to do something more normal and predictable, at least until you are financially stable enough to work on the things you really want to (whatever “stable” means! How much does that take-- $10,000 a year? $100,000? When will you be satisfied?).
Resist the temptation to fall into this “money sinkhole.” You can imagine up endless costs for yourself to fill, but the reality is that you won’t know what the real expenses are until you get started—and they might not be as big as you think. Even then, it’s not the end of the world if you can’t put up all the money right away. God will not smite you. If he does, tell him that that wasn’t very nice: in the afterlife take up the mission of rallying for God to treat humans better.
Freedom from Fear, Responsibility toward Love
Whatever you do, choose the path of love. Do what you know an intelligent being- independent of the opinions of others- would do. Never use fear to save yourself or anyone else, because it won’t work.
Love won’t always look the way you think it’s supposed to. If it did, it would lack the freedom to be what it is—freedom itself. The case is the same for you.
Resolve to live and work from obligation, neediness, and fear no longer. If you don’t want to, don’t focus on your own survival. Just keep giving and keep sharing the best of what you have—even if the world pleads for you to stop.
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