Goodbye to Gluten

Step 1: Realize that gluten is a natural part of 3 different grains: wheat- both refined and whole-, rye, and barley. That’s it. If it says “wheat,” “rye,” or “barley,” on the label, there is gluten to be found as well. Durum, semolina, spelt, wheat germ, wheat bran, graham flour, kamut (Khorasan wheat), sourdough, and white flour all count as wheat. Secale and secalins also count as rye. Malt = barley.

Be wary of foods which are labelled as being produced in facilities alongside the gluten-grains. For instance, if you are highly sensitive to gluten it may serve you to buy oats that are certified gluten-free, such as those from Bob’s Red Mill.

Step 2: Ask yourself: is gluten destroying my body? If you have irritable bowel syndrome (IBS- which sounds gross, by the way), fairly-frequent gastrointestinal (GI) pain, feel groggy and useless after meals, experience inflammation (i.e. pain, i.e. when you say “ouch”- likely chronic, possibly in the form of autoimmune disease), never feel full or even feel more hungry after consuming wheat, or your face explodes into a hideous monster upon eating, you may want to try removing gluten from your diet for a while.

Step 3: Get rid of wheat (well, and barley, and rye).

Replace wheat pasta with brown rice or bean pasta.

Replace wheat, rye, and barley flour with any other kind of flour (preferably almond. Mmm). This goes for breadcrumbs as well.

If you want to replace bread, try making it yourself with your new type of flour and perhaps an egg, if you’re into eggs. The stuff at the store all looks despicable. You could also buy rice cakes, but they are a bit lighter on the calories (though they may be more filling regardless).

Replace your wheaty beer, rye whiskey, and malt liquor (barley) with other-grain beers (which I’ve heard to be awful; but, too bad) and fruit-based alcohol, such as wine and hard cider. Well, or with tranquilizers. Those make for far stronger depressants than alcohol anyway.

Replace wheat in general (particularly if you don’t make direct replacements for specific wheat-foods, such as bread) with- depending on what you’re into- legumes, other whole (and preferably not GMO) grains, nuts, vegetables, fruit, and healthily-raised (grass-fed or better, cage-free, live outside- you know the deal) meat and eggs.

Gluten sensitivity tends to coincide with lactose intolerance, but raw milk may be kind to the Celiac’s stomach; check that one out for yourself. Please don’t replace the wheat in your diet with other processed, GMO foods (soy and corn most of all) or pure sugar.

A lot of the junk food out there is made with refined wheat, which, yes, contains gluten. Stop eating this junk food and you will be fine. It probably just makes your hungrier and ruins your life anyway.

Many products marketed explicitly as “gluten-free,” such as the above-mentioned bread, are made with all sorts of magical gums and fillers and names that sound like the French lover of your wildest fantasies. When you pick up a product at the store, flip that baby over to the label: if you see a word and say, “I think I heard that name in my dreams last night!” don’t bother.

At supermarkets and even health food stores, you will go through this process over and over and over. I realize this can be frustrating, but what can you expect when the Democrats are in charge? They want to raise the costs of your healthcare so they can raise the debt ceiling so they can raise the costs of your healthcare so they can… Oh. I don’t know after that.

It has been complained that there is gluten in cosmetic products. Cosmetics are likely created by the Illuminati to keep women inferior, which is achieved by coercing them to waste their time painting their faces with cutesy powders and liquids. Even if I’m wrong- which I never am- these products will probably rip your face off before you turn 50 (if you’re over 50, sorry), and even if that’s wrong I doubt you need as much makeup as you think you do. But our overlords don’t want you to know that. I guess this moral crisis is on you, you face-painting bum.

It may not be that wheat is a bad plant in itself, but, rather, what humanity has done to it has made it bad for us. Between genetic modification, monocropping, and refining, we have probably destroyed this plant. I’d think people are best off not eating it until they start growing it themselves, such as when the apocalypse comes (and believe me- it’s comin’). Most of the time, wheat ain’t that filling anyway.

I started singin'

Bye, bye, Miss American Pie

Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry

Them good ol' boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye

Singin' "This'll be the day that I die,

This'll be the day that I die" 

- "American Pie," by Don McLean