Stagnant and Scared
I am wondering if my disdain for focus on petty things is a reflection of my own focus on them. Not only
that, but what if my preoccupation with the ephemeral is a sort of escapism in
regards to what really matters? My beliefs are such that these
things are difficult to get, that getting them will require vulnerability to
rejection and criticism, and that I can’t get them because I’m too darn trapped
in my fear. So it’s a cycle of sorts.
Scared. Can’t get things because I know I’m scared. Which is the chicken and which is the egg?
I may be more held back by my knowledge of my fear of vulnerability than of the actual fear itself. I’ve observed avoidance patterns in myself for too long to not say, “Well, I know I’m probably not gonna do anything about that!”
But while that attitude has always been underlying, popping its head up every now and then, I don’t think it was really dominant until today. I’m not sure that I’ve ever let that be the overlying tone; rather, I typically hold a sort of hope and intention of action. And sometimes I do take that action-- usually in some twisted, watered down form from what I intended to do.
The essential problem is that I attempt to script things too much. This is especially true when trying to help people and when I have difficult conversations. I know that when I do that, I become maladaptive. My scripts do not match up with actual circumstances. By planning out what to tell someone, rather than gauging it based on how they feel and what they say, and also on how I truly feel in the moment, I am failing to meet the needs of the situation.
I’ve always thought that planning beforehand better meets my actual intentions because often, in the moment, I am so deeply mired in fear that I disconnect from those intentions. That is precisely why I attempt to script things. And it sounds fairly logical, doesn’t it?
But now, as I think back, I am seeing that I have said plenty of wonderful things on the spur of the moment-- things that I hadn’t actually processed in my mind before then, ever. And they say you can’t learn by talking! I understand the premise of that statement- that you need to shut up and listen sometimes, because you don’t know all the answers. However, numerous times I have articulated what I previously have not thought, and these statements often turn out to be profound.
Writing often turns out to be the same way. The process of turning somewhat-abstract and semi-conscious thoughts and feelings into words, by being a different process from thinking entirely “in your head,” gives rise to different ideas.
Right Here, Right Now: This Environment, This Moment
This is what leads me to think that we are a function of how we interact with our environments-- other people most of all. Maybe this environment includes our means of expression, whether this is writing or speaking in conversation. Because these two are different we create differently through them, and this is so because we process information differently through them. They're like two different translators for the world within-- neither interprets the data the same way.
All in all, create for this moment, rather than for future moments, as fully and beautifully as you can, and you shall find yourself with a masterpiece.
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