Part Three: 2020
During the Intersession I got into the un-premeditated routine of running to MV on Friday afternoons. Yes, I did go specifically to see you. I did feel encouraged since running there and back helped me to prepare for my next 100 mile race (the Beast of Burden) in February. This was basically a last-minute decision every time except for December 23: I had it in my mind for a while that I wanted to talk to you by the end of the year and at some point I thought that would be a good day. If I must play favorites, I think that was the most enjoyable conversation that we have had. Anyway, at least twice in January I was reluctant to run that far due to certain pains, but I felt that it was time to see you. The level of health problems and demoralization I had at this point invoked a sense of urgency in me, so I felt moved to talk to you every week in the hope of making progress. One of the last times I saw you I told you I felt ready to start writing publicly again. Clearly I meant it since that time arrived shortly afterward.
Believe it or not this actually might be the weirdest part of this entire letter. I insist on being completely honest about it since that is the whole point of this letter. I don't like calling things “weird” but it's a commonly-used term; so, at least you have an idea of what I mean.
I mentioned that after I injured my knees on July 27 2019 things continually went downhill for me in a few regards such as health, morale, and sanity (note that I wrote Hopelessness shortly thereafter). I reached my lowest point on January 23 2019, a week after we had our last conversation in your office. Two things pushed me over the edge that day, which in their essence are the same problem, which I call Human Filth (the opposite of Ingenuity). Human Filth basically refers to most human creation. As I said previously, I would rather suffer in the woods than be “comfortable” in a bed indoors. Most of what we create is fallen, inferior, and disgusting compared to nature. Nature cleans itself but human creations do not. Human Filth also includes fallen attitudes like guilt and groveling which are not found in Nature. So, the primary surface-level problem I faced that day was spending hours reading about coronavirus. I read two theories about the origins of the virus: 1. That the virus had been created in a lab in Wuhan, intended for eventual use as a bioweapon but prematurely escaped by accident; and 2. That Patient 0 was a Chinese citizen who ate a whole, boiled bat. It seemed that #2 was the mainstream story while #1 was the real story. Either theory could be met only with indignation at how absolutely jaded and fallen humanity is. I wrote, Now I'm just really annoyed to be dealing with all this human-created bullshit. I'm annoyed. All this because of a lack of value of life. ...Is this it? Everything including me goes out with a whimper? I told you we are a failed species. Now fucking what. All I wanted was to be pure. Now what...? The “last straw” was that I had to go grocery shopping on behalf of my family. I do not go to grocery stores for my own needs (I buy directly from farmers) so this added to the extreme annoyance I already had that day. One of the weeks that I went shopping that month I blared the horn of my car while driving out of the parking lot. I wrote, “I really do not want to go grocery shopping. That's for retarded, rootless cattle.” I feared that I would not be able to overcome this world. “It is not possible to be innocent in this world... I want to be pure of heart and live in Nature, communicating with the natural environment.” Along with that I was in physical pain. “Dare I say that I am dying. In Summer 2018 I started to put the pieces together of what I want to be-- of my ideals. In 2019 I realized it is not so simple to do if even possible. Now I tear myself apart, debating over what is true and what to be. My body kills me now. I always fear hearing God incorrectly. If it was the best I could do I could accept being broken hearted. Remember the dream and the coliseum (an idea I have which states that I must live in a sort of coliseum while always keeping the paradise of my dreams in my heart).” I thought that if I could sufficiently get my life in order and tell my story I could at least heal physically. Still, I expressed doubts. “I guess I have to lose in some ways.” “A feeling that our ancestors did not care about us.” “Who wants me to be innocent-- No one.” I also directed a thought towards you: “I [almost] wish I could be with you forever, not in the deliberative and anguished manner I usually am but in the purity and perfection of which I dream.” I finished off with all the ugly things I knew I would face upon writing again.
That at least implied that I was ready to get on track. That weekend I fasted for 48 hours and that healed some of my morale. Returning to work on January 27 at least demanded a rise in energy and order. Finally, on January 30 I wrote an article at work, which I titled, “Sharing the Thought Process.” I posted it the following day. There were several good signs related to this. One was at work on the 30th: I went upstairs to the lounge area and looked out the window. In the snow someone spelled “Love” in large letters with their footprints. Around the time I posted the article I also saw that I had an email, sent on January 30. It was from a man in Germany. I did not read it until a week later, the night before the Beast of Burden. Generally speaking I have been “really bad” with my website emails since I stopped writing 2.5 years ago because I don't want to get thrown off track by them and I'm afraid of expressing myself in some disingenuous manner to the sender. I don't know what I can promise and I am used to talking to people only if I truly must, which online seems to be virtually never. This e-mail turned out to be beautiful. He told me that he has a hard time following my logic sometimes: I feel kind of badly about that and hope the issue will resolve itself in time. He said the following (this is most but not all of the e-mail message):
“Although I am a couple years older than you, around a decade within my own spiritual journey, very familiar with Steve Pavlina as obviously one of your biggest influences, I still lack complete understanding of your worldview to an extend where I would like to discuss it with you.
That's why I can’t.
Your intelligence is way greater than everything I’ve seen within the spiritual community.
Especially considering your fairly young age for thoughts like the ones you are explaining on your blog in very great detail.
On a lot of your articles I simply cannot follow your logic.
Yet, I find them all deeply inspiring and worth reading.
I kinda got a better feeling for your overall message while I was going through almost every article of your blog.
...Because of my lack of complete understanding of your writing (wether due to intelligence or language issues), I don't really know what exactly it is that I want to tell you here.
I just felt like leaving you a message.
It was some kind of gravitational pull.
The universe wanted me to contact you.
Saying thank you for touching my heart and being an inspiration for following through on things and topics where I sometimes feel very alone with.
I sensed some sort of giving up in your last articles, being hopeless and not feeling confident in creating your own subjective reality for yourself.
In case my feeling is right, I want to encourage you to keep going.
To know that there are people out there who read your stuff and who love it and who feel touched by it.
You are indeed leaving a mark.”
I felt a genial energy from this and kept it mind during the Beast of Burden the next day.
The Current Situation
That might be a perfect path to the end of this letter but I have several more things to tell you first.
A small event. When you offered me oranges I was in the middle of writing and did not really want to take my attention off of it so I just took the whole bag. I figured it might be something you wanted to get rid of anyway. After I gave the bag back to you I had a feeling I should take two. But, I countered that with “reasonableness” and thought it would be polite to take only one. After I took one you actually told me to take two. I guess I was right the first time. That makes me wonder about the synchronicity of people's thoughts and also where the thought comes from in the first place.
When I look at the stars I can feel an incredible, beautiful, unencumbered energy from them. That's the way humans are meant to be, too. On the evening of February 2 2020 I was in an open field in the woods, ready to run home. I noticed an exceptionally large star in the sky which I thought might be a planet. This planet “said” to me, “I am here to help bring your family together.” This referred to a family much larger than my immediate one. On this day of April 10 2020 I have seen the planet every clear night since then. On the night of April 8 I sat outside working on this for a few hours and I felt that the energy of the stars helped me to write the introduction, particularly where I said that I want to give you the best. I removed a great many deliberations and things I was uncertain of. That helped to get this letter on track. Due to the timing at which this planet appeared I have taken to calling it, Planet Covid. Actually, I feel that is what it energetically intends to be called. I tend to see Covid to the west and slightly north of my house.
Speaking of COVID, it is time I got to the “weird” part. I must tell you what prompted me on the deepest level to start writing publicly again. Especially given my credentials I think it is acceptable to say that I read 4chan. In fact if I was a professor of certain cybersecurity or journalism classes I might not allow the students to pass without knowing what 4chan is. However, I will tell you that, given how pure you are, I do not think you will benefit from reading 4chan: you have to wade through a lot of junk and lowliness to find the valuable items on there. This website is where I initially learned of coronavirus in January. On 4chan people refer to coronavirus as “Corona-chan” and they post artwork of her as a woman in a red dress with bat wings (and sometimes a beer). Before I started writing again (no notes) I considered trying to communicate with “Corona-chan,” which you can think of as the spirit of coronavirus. Corona-chan felt extremely dark, evil, chaotic, and maliciously-intended-- so much so that I almost could not keep contact with “her” due to how distant we are energetically. I took no notes but I can distill her message. She told me that she was unleashing major chaos across the Earth, concentrated in China at that time. I asked her what she wanted and she said that I must become what I am destined to be: that includes telling my story. I know you might be wondering why I didn't warn people. The thought never crossed my mind. I just wanted to focus on the point of her message and not get caught up in the surface-level problem that is the virus. At that point I thought she might not become too big of a problem locally if I did my duty. In the following weeks I “heard” her say to me several times, with her extremely dark energy, “You know what I want.” That got me to writing, not fearfully but intently.
There is more. I have been reading various thoughts and other information on this matter over the last several months just as virtually everyone has been. I initially believed the virus was an extremely dangerous bioweapon the likes of which have never been seen before, but since it has “actually” come to pass in America I have had my wonderings. I have read claims that tests for the disease are general and vague-- that if any remnants of virus are in the person's system then the test reads positive. Not only that but when any person who has tested positive dies the cause of death is reported as COVID-19 regardless of what the person actually died from. Most people who test positive for the disease have pre-existing health conditions. I read that a man fell to his death and because he had tested positive for the disease he was listed as having died from it. I saw reports that certain individuals died from the disease and then those individuals responded that they are alive. Plus I refuse to believe a single thing that comes out of China, as any American generally should. I've also started reading other general ideas like how viruses are not considered to be living organisms and are incapable of producing their supposed effects in people. Deaths from Influenza and Pneumonia are reported as a single statistic. Why? Most people who die with Influenza die from a “secondary pneumonia.” Even when I set all this aside I just have a sense that the virus is “not real.” By the way, I've had bacterial infections before but never a viral one. Overall, the present situation is fueled to a massive extent by what people believe about it regardless of what the actual truth is.
I finally popped the question to the source itself on March 27 and this time I wrote down our entire “conversation.” I would feel badly if there is incorrect information in here (which can happen and I always consider that to be my fault for lack of purity), but given the magnitude of this situation I want to share it with you. It was a hard decision whether to include this, but when backed into a corner like so I am not going to settle for half-hearted measures.
“Corona-chan? Are you real?”
“We had to get you on track somehow. If I 'disappear' will you give up?”
“No, but will others?”
“Let's start with you.”
“What do you want from me? Do you want me to train massively instead of racing?”
“You must race, you must be with your people, you must publicly demonstrate yourself; so, No.”
“Well, you are getting races canceled.”
“You know it can all turn around. Trump wants normalcy.”
“You know the (internal) conflict: Training vs. Racing and Injury. What do I do?”
“Self-pity is more destructive than anything else, except maybe hatred.”
“It seems like no coincidence that you came out of China. Are we doomed to warfare? Is it imminent? I guess I find some relief in necessity due to no conflict over what I must do.”
“No. War never 'has' to happen. The Chinese are an economic force (i.e. economic men), it is true-- one with massive numbers. You will have to deal with that.”
“How? What is the way?”
“We have given you the way. ...I'll disappear as soon as you don't need me anymore. Suddenly there will be zero new cases. People will recover or die (supposedly from me). 14 days from now is April 10th, the day you are scheduled to return to work.”
“But aren't you being used as a cover-up?” (I questioned her because I knew the length of the lockdown primarily depends on what people want and believe)
“Kind of. The 150,000 sealed indictments are gone.”
“What do you mean? Delayed? Disappeared?”
“Not given the priority they should be.”
“Then why would they end you?”
“Trump wants to. It is true he will ultimately stab you in the back but he does not benefit from this pandemic so he wants it to end. He wants profit and there is none in this.”
“Well, what do I need?”
“You need to race.”
“I seem to lack in heart and the ability to be real.”
“That's the journey, your so-called 'Spiritual War.' Otherwise you would be, in a sense, 'all set.'”
“I seem doomed to conflict. This circling around and around. That's the basis on which I wrote, 'The Worldview of Completeness-- Part Two.'”
“It's not necessarily wrong.”
“But all this suffering, anger, pressure is like poison. I'm just hurting myself. Look at the state my body has been in. I was healthier 1.5 years ago on supermarket potatoes.”
“Do not ignore the progress you have made. You are right when you say that you are more fit now though also more hurt.”
“I seem a bit doomed...”
“Stay with me. Fear keeps you from the void.”
“And the void shows my fears.”
“Yes but you cannot go to the void fundamentally afraid.”
“I don't know that your presence can make a significant enough difference anymore.”
“Possibly not. Hence my wanting to go over things with you before I go.”
“So your purpose really was to call up Lord Kalki?”
“Yes. Kalki appears when all seems lost. I brought you those conditions.”
“But we'll lose that with the return to normalcy?”
“You cannot deny the place of China now. And I got you started.”
“Doesn't the Chinese leader want war now?”
“He wishes he could have it that way but no one is ready.”
“Why can't he just start to invade this or that place?”
“He'll have not just the whole Earth to contend with but, moreover, Trump. A Chinese invasion of anyplace would cause a world panic. You've got to be more strategic than that-- hence the steady “economic conquest” first, e.g. The steady migration of Chinese people into the U.S. and the buying up of U.S. land and infrastructure.”
“What can I do?”
“Tell your people.”
“People think I'm a crazy, dumb girl.”
“A few will listen. That is something. Besides- it is not anything very outlandish. So far.”
“Aside from you not being real. Are you some kind of 'spiritual disease'?”
“Kind of, Yes.”
“Hey... I see what you did there?”
“Again-- kind of, Yes.”
“Well, Corona-chan, what's the cure?”
“Your real identity and your heart.”
“I started writing again. I wrote 'The Spiritual War.' I told her I have feelings for her. Shutdown went into place. I wrote Introduction to the Void. I found traces of Men In Black (the real ones). The Heart Run went well. I've stayed 100% raw. I spoke to The Voice of All Ages and Eternity.”
“That is what I have facilitated for you,” she said.
“Yes, you have. Can you do anything more?” I asked.
“Not much more. That's why we are having this conversation.”
“What about the hawks?”
“They signaled that the time period of you buying time is over. A subtle change but truth is subtle, indeed. I know you are thinking of this woman.”
“The feeling I have about her is that I want us to have the same heart. So why do I feel “sad” letting that be it? I know I don't want a “relationship” since that would be evil (and pointless), nor sex, for the same reason (the premise seems to lower my consciousness and energy, anyway). Is it just retard mode? Thanks to society's teachings-- that love must be sexual, that feeling means needing to do something directly about it?”
“The sexual angle is not absent.”
“That doesn't mean I intend to actually do that. What is the right handle on this?”
“Look in your heart.”
“It seems that more than my heart is at play. All this conflict stuff. Just heart is not allowed... If I want us to have the same heart what is in that heart? Just pure innocence and unity or some kind of deep, powerful blood? I'm having a vision of blood vessels with an extremely large circumference, thinking how this is what the Economic Men try to engineer technologically but they will never have it. For effect-- WHOA. The deep blood of the void. ...Anything more, Corona-chan?”
“You can go now. We'll talk more later if needed.”
“Thank you. Sunshine to bid Corona-chan farewell.”
Later I wrote, “The planet is the first star in the sky,” and, “Tell everything.”
I want to return to something I mentioned at the start which was the final day of work being open. First, the preceding days. On both Wednesday and Thursday I went for a walk after my shift ended. I do not take a watch outside with me very often. I knew you would want to lock up earlier than usual, like on Tuesday, and I believed I would return at the right time with the help of feeling. On Wednesday I “heard” your voice in my head say, “Come back soon.” When I returned you were telling two students to leave and that's when I asked whether I could take a textbook home. On Thursday I “heard” “you” say, Time to come home, Kim. When I returned the place was dark but the doors were unlocked. A public safety officer walked in at the same time as me and said, “That makes you the only person here.” He took a phonecall and walked out. The janitor walked in and locked up behind me. I believed that you left the doors unlocked since you saw that I had left my things behind: if so, thank you.
I actually thought the entire campus was still going to be open on Friday. That morning I was intent on going to see you but I was not sure you would actually be there. So I asked “you” telepathically and “you” told me that you were not there. I did not want to accept this. “You” replied, “Come see me if it is in your heart.” I had a hard time with that, too. Normally when I “hear” you call out through the void I just go to the signal (like on the preceding days when you said to come back). Yet this time you were telling me to make my own decision. I decided that I should go and of course the doors were locked. I could see one office was lit up and she left around 12:30PM.
I decided to then go for a run in two parts that day. The first part would be close to MV. I crossed the road to the creek and there were two hawks picking at a dead skunk. I immediately thought of how I saw hawks multiple times before I started school here and I believed it meant my time at MV was over. That day plus the following 9 days I saw hawks a total of six times. Outside of these two periods of times I have not ever seen hawks so often. Note that the hawk is our mascot. I will continue this point later.
Part two of my run was on the ski hills. Around maybe 3PM it was about 60F outside. I had been thinking about how I sometimes hear animals in the zoo and how that touches my heart and encourages me while I am running. When I descended the middle hill I decided to go up to the fence and actually look in the zoo for once: immediately across from me was three lions in their exhibit. I thought, sorrowfully, “I can't believe these lions are living in New York.” This is a cold place for lions. I noticed whole walnut shells on the ground and spent a few minutes trying to break them open with a stick. After I did that I looked up: the lioness and the male lion had walked up to the fence of their enclosure and were looking at me. I “heard” the lioness “say,” “It's alright. Don't feel sorry for us.” I felt that my energy was not a strong match to theirs and I suspected this was due to me feeling unsure of how I should be. I admired how serene-faced and unruffled they are: I want to be like that too, but it seems to be socially unacceptable. Humans are caught up in putting on “nice” appearances for people. I “told” the lions I took this matter seriously in case I ever encountered them in the wild. The male lion “told” me, “The world responds to what you are.”
On April 5 the conversation continued. When I went up to the fence I could see a worker so I decided to move on, but the lioness noticed me and had started following me anyway. I had a conversation in my head with her and walked the hills during that time. Eventually I decided to try actually seeing them again. Before I got to the fence I asked her, “Did you go inside?” She “said,” “Yes, I did go inside.” A few seconds later I got close enough that I could see her entire form at the fence of her enclosure (there are two separate fences: one to the zoo and one to their cage) and she was already staring at me. “Just kidding,” she “said.” I smiled and then heard, “Ha, look! I made you laugh.” I didn't feel confident so I kept walking up the hill. I told her how in the moment I don't always have something to say. I was conflicted over whether we actually needed to see each other but after a few minutes I decided it might be of value. I returned to the fence and sat down on a fallen tree. She was laying down in the same spot where I had left her. The conversation again focused on the primacy of what one is. She explained that while she might not be as strong as a lion in the wild, she is still a lion. “Though caged for a lifetime I still am a lion-- and you still are what you are.” I expressed frustration that humans seem to be more weakened by domestication than any other species. At least later in the day I had the thought, “What if I told you that you could rather easily go back to Nature if given the right circumstances?” At some point she asked, “Why do you not look me in the eyes?” I explained, “I might make you feel threatened. We're supposed to be civilized.” She dismissed that with, “Oh, please. You know being 'civilized' is a bunch of cockamamie” (I never use that word). I expressed sorrow that it seems like we, along with others like us, are not allowed to be together. “We mostly aren't,” she affirmed. I was concerned about being seen by employees who I could hear driving around the zoo (though I was not on their property). To this she said, “Paranoia will not help you.” She herself had looked around a few times whenever they could be heard driving around; though, as a lion, her facial expression barely ever changed. The most important message she gave me is that it is time to be what I am destined to be, but I can be that only if I believe. “Look me in the eyes and say, 'I will believe.'” I did stare the lioness right in the eyes and I actually said the words. When I felt our conversation coming to a close she yawned and showed her teeth. I thought, “You have nice teeth.” She replied, “You do, too. You should show the world.” I believe this statement was both metaphorical and literal. When I left I resumed climbing the ski hills, running this time instead of walking. If I think thoughts which are not the highest while running I tend to look down at the ground. But I heard her voice say, “Look up, Kim.” That took a higher level of energy and also faith than looking down, but I felt stronger this way.
Goodbye? What Now?
First, a few notes.
1. There are a few things regarding you which I did not mention anywhere. 1a. Over the entire time I've known you, many times when I have felt lost, abandoned, or deep doubt I “hear” your voice tell me, “I will never leave you,” or, “Don't give up.” That is the timeless effort of the void. As long as your heart is open to it, it will not abandon you. 1b. At some point when I asked myself why you had my attention the answer I came up with was, “She reminds me of what has been lost.” What has been lost from the human experience is innocence and the full extent of abilities and energy that humans originally had, in addition to a degree of beauty and purity.
2. I'm sure I have made it clear enough that I am always afraid of being seen for what I really am. I'm always either terrified or terrifying. Well, another such piece of this is a fear that my exactness with dates might be seen by some as “creepy.” I told you that time is the truest measure of calculation and also that the exact timing with which I do a thing or have a thought is an important part of Nature; so, knowing the date on which things happened is important to me. Running races and keeping notebooks help me to remember dates. Writing letters and articles with timestamps attached helps too. I used to keep detailed planners but ever since I got demoralized by my injuries on July 27 2019 I've mostly stopped using my daily planners.
3. On the topic of verbosity once again-- I have assumed this whole time that if you really wanted to find my website, you would. Likely I mentioned it at least once in the set of articles I gave you. On the one hand there is both the burden of and unnecessity of verbosity. As I said, if you really wanted to find it it would not be that hard. On the other hand, there is the imperative to be straightforward. That makes me obligated to tell you that my writing is on kimwrate.com. Likewise, on one hand I figure you will be moved to read my words if you are meant to. On the other hand, if I had to give some kind of command here I would say that I want you to. Sometimes people want you to tell them what you would like from them if anything. In the letter from November 2019 I said I would tell you more about the void some day and I did finally write an article on March 25 titled Introduction to the Void. Prior to that I wrote a sequel to my last letter to you: I decided to title both “The Spiritual War,” parts one and two. The Spiritual War is the conflict between the spiritual man and the economic man-- more specifically, between their worldviews. The next main question for me at this point is whether the goal is to eliminate the economic worldview, dominate it, or transform it in some fashion that it serves the spiritual, life-centered worldview.
4. I haven't addressed many of the fictional works I have been inspired by. So far I have not needed to do so in order to make my point, and I don't want people to be distracted by those stories as if they themselves are the point. I might talk about them someday, but I did not feel the need to do so here.
5. An experience I have had my whole life is that I often “see” someone else in my mind's eye while I go about my actions. To an extent I see myself as that person and that affects my mannerisms and attitude. I refer to this as, “Seeing myself as someone else through the void.” Most of the time now the person I see myself as is someone I consider to be “bretheren.” I'm not sure Elton John knows what the void is, but I strongly feel a connection to this experience when I hear his lyrics (to “Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me”): Although I search myself, It's always someone else I see.
6. I hear other people talk to me through the void too. Like the man I met last year-- he helped me to do more pull-ups in one sitting by “telling” me to focus my attention on my scapula (the space on the upper back between both shoulder blades). Another time I struggled to unlock a new bottle of pump-soap so he “told” me to hold the top of the pump in my palm a certain way and I think pull up with my knuckles, if I remember correctly. It worked. So, it's just that I hear you the most. One time I was about to walk into a gas station when I forgot the number of the pump I had pulled up to. I heard your voice say a number. I looked up at the pump and it was the right number.
7. The void is powerful, but I'm not as good as I think it is or at least once was possible to be. On April 9 2020 I put down my headband while in the woods, forgot to pick it up, took up to 20 minutes to realize it was gone, and then spent 90 minutes looking for it before I found it. I basically circled the same area again and again. I believe that I am the limiting factor here and not ultimate possibility/the void.
8. I want to embody the pure, non-self-scrutinizing energy the stars have, but clearly that is not what the world gets to see from me. Instead the way of my life has been, The fight now; and, perhaps, peace later-- not only externally but internally as well. But, what if all these ideas about conflict are wrong and I have misinterpreted the need for precision as conflict? This question is not to be addressed now nor is it to be forgotten.
Harder to Be than to Write
To bring it all together now: all the events I just told you about comprise the life I have had as part of MV over nearly six years. I wanted to tell you about how I have changed in that time and consequently why I no longer need to buy time, which is the reason I went to MV in the first place and what I wanted to tell you during the last week of work but was too slow to do so. As for the hawks indicating that my time there is over: I had intended on staying at least through the end of the Spring 2021 semester. I have had a feeling for about four years that around the time I turn 25 on June 29 2021 life will take a sharp turn from what it has been somehow. However, seeing that we are now forcibly isolated from each other (to an extent), things are accelerating much faster than expected. My plans always have taken into account the declining stability of society. At this point it is partly going to be a matter of how this COVID situation goes and ultimately how all conflict within humanity will go.
I wanted to tell you more about my past and how I got to where I am now. I know this is more like a large surface overview instead of delving into any single topic. I've long had the thought that I do not want you to have any delusions about what I am. I don't want you to think that I'm any more benevolent than I actually am nor any more evil. I talk about heart but it's not the same as being nice. I have the ideal of imposing on, needing, and being nothing; and, at the same time I want Earth to be won by the spiritual conception of life. Naturally, though, the only possible way to get that result is to be detached from it since heart means not trying to control the external world (controlling is what economic men do).
I feel like I have to tell the truth and I want to share as much significant detail as possible. This feels like the most empowering option for me in life right now. It seems more irrational the more the surveillance state is enforced upon us, but I know that in order to self-realize I have to open myself and not shut down. Don't ever shut down: do not become jaded. That is not only the way to self-realize but it's also the only possible way to win the external “war” as well. If people want to collect my information I will make sure that they get a lot of excellent information, and they can share it with everyone if they want. They can tell the world my story and my ideology and let them know that it is possible to defy the doom of the material world which is the downward decay of time. The economic way of life is not the only way. There are ways of being other than either groveling, weak, and hysterical or greedy, trying to control, and mean. The surface does not tell the whole story of life: to know the truth you must see through to the essence of things rather than get caught up in appearances.
A thing I must deal with now is that it's not enough to just convey all this even though I have to do that too. I must also be the way I am meant to be, 100% of the time. I have to stay above both anger and also above meekness and trying to blend in. With many particular situations I still am unsure of what I should do or how I should be. But, another thing the lionness told me is that I cannot get caught up in apparent not knowing. Asking questions like, “What should I do?” is often counterproductive. Instead I have to keep my heart open to possibility and truth.
It often is uncertain whether I am going to succeed until the last moment. Perhaps this now is a kind of last moment. There is no time like the end.
I am guided by looking at my words or actions and feeling that it is meant to be.
“To those who are constantly devoted to the path, I give the understanding by which they can come to the supreme.” - The Bhagavad-Gita