The following is the 42nd e-mail message I received from Brian Harner, and the 115th message in our conversation. It was sent on December 6 2020 at 8:31PM EST.
I'm always impressed by your ability to find my posts. It's rare when I post, and I'm holding off on the more argumentative nomenclatures so I'm even more impressed when you find them. The problem remains the same when speaking with 4chan, but I am finding that people take me more seriously when I hold back the complete scenario. It bothers me to have to do that, but I'm still trying as often as I can to wake up the sleeping masses. I'm able to keep things more technical in nature as a result of this new approach, but it always feels incomplete and somewhat dishonest.
I'm still at my dad's house. He knows I'm serious about what will happen next, so I think he's holding on as long as he can. We haven't argued in a while, but that generally means we haven't spoken much either. My goal here is hazy. I don't even really know why I remain. During this period I've been watching the world collapse in a variety of ways that I'm not familiar with watching from this perspective. It's a sad experience. When I go to post now on 4chan, it doesn't feel like I'm trying to help change the trajectory anymore, but more so to gauge how many other people are worth helping post-expiration. Sometimes I feel like that about my dad. I can see that he's trying to care, but most of the time he just comes across as extremely vain and selfish. He just can't seem to let go of the relationship clause he's always had with me, so I just back off as a result. It's an interesting microcosm to 4chan happening minute by minute right in front of me. He doesn't call me a faggot or piece of shit like they do, but the feeling of jealousy and disgust due to the vanity taking losses from my practicality and steadfast posture is present more than it's not.
I keep praying for a miracle. A massive amount of funding, or to get a ride out of here... but if I'm being honest about it, it never seems like it's for myself. It would be nice to have endless funding for the Pyramids, farming, and ease of transitioning for all of you. It'd also be a significant wakeup call for everyone alive if I was picked up and taken "home" under circumstances outside of death. The question always remains however, would anyone fundamentally change as a result... and under what circumstances. Fear? Desperation? Vanity? This scenario reminds me of the grail build. I have to ask myself; To what end will this set of events bring to the populace as a whole? But while my thoughts often drift towards humanity failing most egregiously, I know there's a faction of souls that remain focused and determined just like me. I want them to be rewarded while alive, recognized for their selflessness and given respect for what they do... but those just seem like selfish desires on my part. Having these feelings internally hurts and my focus fades as a result.
I'm not upset at you. I am disappointed in a few aspects, but that's nothing compared to how I feel about most people alive. My problem is in my relentless pursuit of perfection. Maybe that's just my own selfishness. The harder I try to create the motivation of another in the same way I was motivated in life, the more I feel as though I'm just hurting people. Most of the time I feel like I'm doing this to you. In my life, I've utilized this strategy to better myself, but when it comes to people in general I've found that this strategy just creates an atrophy and pessimism that gives the motivation strategy to degenerate and quit trying. It's a rock and a hard place kind of conundrum that isn't bearing fruit. There's no reason for me to keep shoving and prodding anyone at this point, least of all you. At the very least, I'd like everyone to produce their own destiny, and the more I try to help, it seems the more I ultimately manipulate that end.
Besides the rare 4chan rant, I've decided to fade into obscurity. Barring a miracle, I'm out of options and my own motivation is fading within that predicament. I just don't know what else to do or what else I can say that will change my own outcome, much less anyone else's. Don't feel bad for me. I'm just trying to be honest with you about this physical reality. My existence does not end here. I have a lot to look forward to, so whatever happens here, is a drop in an ocean. I just hope you will acquire the same internal peace. Have a good "1"...