Grasping for an Ideal

The following is a letter I wrote on November 24 2019 and delivered on November 28. It is the second in a series of letters I wrote to a colleague. The first is The Worldview of Completeness, written on April 9 2019 and posted here on July 23 2019. The third, written in January 2020, might go undisclosed since its information might not be helpful to increasing understanding (or I just don't feel like embarrassing myself). The fourth, posted here on March 5 2020 after being handwritten twice, is The Spiritual War. The fifth and presumably last is Welcome to the Void, which I sent on April 10 and posted here on April 12 2020. Due to the original version of “The Spiritual War,” “Welcome to the Void,” and the fact that I became completely useless at work (which I can do nothing about) after my job became remote, I am considering resigning, but I have not decided yet.

These days I tend to write only when I can't stand to not do so, and this letter is no exception. I wrote this letter after returning home from my other (temporary) job one night, under a shadow of hopelessness and I wanted to create it without deliberation, so it might be somewhat unorganized.

I quoted from this letter in Introduction to the Void.

I made edits from the version of the letter I have before handing it over, and I do not have access to those original edits. This time I made minor edits for clarity.



I am heartbroken. I have a sense that I have lost. I have considered that I should let humanity be and, by extension, let it kill itself, since that is the path it is on and after years of thinking and trying it seems that I cannot do anything about this. Humans have become irrevocably mediocre, hysterical, and anti-natural. Rootless words and ideas have become gospel. The members of a group do not need to get along in order for the group to function-- they just need to have a common goal. The human species as a whole does not have any uniting goals. Different factions of the species fear being degraded or eliminated by other factions-- and, for the most part, rightly so. The fashionable like to say that everyone wants the same thing, but that is not true. Some, perhaps most, people say that they want to be happy. I do not want to be happy: I never think of happiness, for it is a goal born of the mediocrity which is in turn born of materialism.

Perhaps the most important thing I can discuss is how the materialistic mindset comes to be and, moreover, what its opposite is. The opposite of materialism, as I have discussed previously, is defiance of the doom of the material world and prevailing over time. Doom is what is generally expected as time goes on. A person defies this when they fall and then rise again, because the expectation is that things generally decay over time. To a large extent this is true. The way that decay over time is ultimately defied is by acknowledging the connection to the void. I know the void is real because I wrote about it several years ago without ever having heard of it before. I have since found a limited amount of information on the void but it is enough to retroactively confirm what I initially wrote about the void.

What is the void? The void is a collective and a singularity. The void is “the All.” Everything is connected to the void: this makes the void the conglomeration of all things and, simultaneously, the connections between all things. Connection and Time are possibly two of the most pertinent aspects of life.

The void is one of those ever-present, larger truths of life that I prefer to let be and generally speak nothing of-- partially because such speaking only seems to distort the truth being spoken of, whether it occurs directly in my words or in the minds of others hearing them. The frequency with which this distortion of expression occurs amongst humanity is one of the greatest reasons for my hopelessness: it is nearly impossible to transmit understanding. I never planned to work in education, and now I get paid to undertake precisely this impossible task. I believe one reason I ended up at this job is to contend with this difficulty of trying to communicate ideas to others. Obviously students do not come to understanding (if they do at all) from me pile-driving explanation to them: instead I employ silence as much as possible in my teaching as I want to give them space to figure out things for themselves. Sometimes, even often, they go about solving problems differently than I would have. The positive aspect of this is that I end up learning from them, too, when they do this-- or I at least get reminders of things.

The void brings about a perfect synergy of connection and timing which together produce elevation. If I could sum up the void in one sentence it would be this: you always get what you need and at the right time. Similarly, one of my rules is that I don't have to want to do a thing until it is time to actually do it. Life has physical laws and expectations which are met (e.g. if you're scheduled to work from 9-5 tomorrow you probably will), but what actually happens is not merely mechanical, pre-destined things occurring. One who has eyes for significance can indeed see significance in every moment of life. “Significance” pertains to two things: one is that the events which have occurred inform a person's worldview and entirety of knowledge about the universe. The other point of significance in all events is how they ultimately lead one to strengthen and grow.

It is time that I revealed some background on some of the ideas I have presented previously. Mastery of the void requires purity of heart. My hope has been that I can speak of purity of heart without having to reveal the backstory of how I came to this idea, as the whole premise of the idea is that it in itself is enough for one to know the truth at all times. Well, the reason that pure heart is required to have the highest awareness of truth is that pure heart also is required to form the highest possible connection to the void.

I hate qualifying my statements, but I will do so quickly. One reason I have been reluctant to talk about the void is that it sounds “dumb,” and by “dumb” I mean, at the very least, non-academic. However, even though knowledge of the void is considered “esoteric,” the void in itself is actually straightforward. Does it not make sense that in order to have the most accurate understanding possible one must be free of petty fear? Such purity increases one's ability to see everything, i.e. the void.

(Things get harder now-- I might mess up.)

Why the hopelessness now? I had an idea and a hope. I've considered that in the beginning humans were pure in much the same way animals are. Since humans have figuratively eaten from the tree of knowledge the way to purity now is in part via knowledge-- that is, a deliberate connection to everything. Hide from nothing, never choose ignorance. I even considered that humanity has taken such a path that now everyone has at least one thing that seems to be irrevocably “wrong” with them; and, purity of heart will allow for the bigger picture to be seen and in turn it will be seen that these shortcomings actually facilitate life to an extent and therefore, ultimately, contribute to the bigger picture. The thing is, shortcoming only contributes to the bigger picture if at least most of that picture can be seen and, for most of humanity, this is just not the case.

The other reason for my hopelessness is that I fear I am not capable of becoming what I want to be. My desire is to live in intelligent communication with the natural environment for all time. The thing is, this just does not seem possible. Where will I go? What will I do? Such are the fears of the petty, domesticated mind.

Part of how I came up with this idea was by realizing that the most miserable things in life are the result of human creation. Painfully walking in the woods at a pace of 2.0 mph is a fundamentally different experience than, say, crying in a bed, even if sorrow is felt in both situations. By the same logic it is arguably preferable to get eaten by a bear than it is to die in a hospital.

But can I really live without technology? The ultimate ideal here would be to need not a single piece of technology. Another part of what led to my idea was actually an interest in artificial intelligence. I pursued this interest to the point where I decided that actually increasing the abilities of humans would be more interesting and obviously fundamental than upgrading technology. I would like to believe the highest version of the human is indeed capable of living in nature as though an animal, though with the intelligence, intuitive ability, and mastery of fear that make humans, indeed, the masters of the Earth.

Even if I could do it, can I imagine what my life would be like?

I believe that nature is inherently valuable and connecting to it is always strengthening and purifying. Nature is the truth since it is unjaded and uninhibited, and it is the only source of everything that is needed for the propagation of life. Nature is law. I want to be part of Nature. I like to think that my thoughts, the timing in which they occur, and all the connections they have to other things are an important part of nature and its unfolding.

In Nature and in the upward progression of life, death occurs in glory. In human creation, on the other hand, death occurs by decay. Human creation arrests one from nature and it is therefore degenerate. I sometimes refer to the degenerate decay that occurs within human creation as “Human filth.” I would rather not paint the picture for you here.

In the small amount of writing I have found on the void there is the phrase, “One who can pull on the tether between life and death.” Death is a pervasive theme, much like connection and time.

So, I have said that a contributor to my hopelessness is the apparent inability to become what I want to become-- which is, basically, a worthy and powerful part of nature. I should mention I believe the purpose of technology is to enhance the human experience of nature, as opposed to replacing either human or nature. While even this is a massive upgrade to the status quo, nevertheless I hold my impossible ideals (i.e. the desire to live free of technology).

I've thought that as I continually relate to things more properly and accurately I will increasingly be in integrity with my potential. Every person, every thought they have, every possible outcome, every memory, every feeling, and every thing in this universe is bound to me like a vine. If I could get the right handle on every vine all at once I would attain possibilities yet unseen. Part of the point of this idea is that just ignoring things is not an option-- not if I want to reach my highest potential; not if, as seems to be the case for me, I even want to live in this world.

However, I wonder whether this is possible, either. It is my desire to live in communion with something that I can sacrifice for and contribute to. However, much like the vines, I am struggling to get a handle on such a “something,” since I seem to be at odds with so many things (e.g. humanity and nature, as I have described). Additionally, it seems to be too late for many things, e.g. Agreeing to find the truth together instead of arguing and yelling over each other. On this note, situations often seem to go to extremes for me. I have believed it is my job to go to the end and not merely, say, contribute a bunch of tiny “enlightened” improvements. This is where, again, the idea that shortcomings and flaws can ultimately facilitate life (at least, at this point in human history, they cannot be avoided) comes in. In a world where the original perfection of life is explicitly intact I could have been “purely pure,” but instead I am shaped by “negative” experiences. What happens from time to time is that I get “struck by lightning,” as I call it. In these times I get hold of adversity and conflict in such a way that I can amplify intensity and realize my highest levels of capability. The greatest experiences of my life involved a blend of getting “struck by lightning” and the use of heart. For the most part all of these experiences thus far were had while running: at this point in the game this synergy is one of the few things that generally still gives me any hope.

I am struggling to find a something I can contribute to so that I can master all the vines/connections so that in turn I can realize my ultimate potential and become what I am destined to be. Instead I am in pain. If this species is lost then I cannot even live for posterity since we have failed them and they are therefore doomed too. As for individuals, I seem to be at war with everyone. Even as I learn from people, a lot of that learning is indirect and on account of my own eye for signifiance. If I took everything at face value, people would not be so valuable and I would be some kind of dumb puppet and whore instead of what I am, which is, at the very least, a person who could write this.

Anyway, a rootless idea is what it sounds like: one without connection. Always consider connection and not merely ideas in themselves-- especially not words in themselves. e.g. Ask “Why did this person think this?” Always think in terms of relationships as that will reveal both metaphysical truths and truths about the physical world (the latter being e.g. who has done what and why/for whom).

/I also old you that I believe life's subjective experiences are valid and valuable. Tune in next time for void, part two?/

So much more but this is so disorganized. The more similar and closely connected people are the less necessary words are and the more possible it is to transmit understanding. This relates back to the ideal of not needing technology because where the original perfection of life is present technology is unnecessary.

Viewing time via the void. I have managed to do this but it seems sensitive to the needs of the moment. I have done this by taking the perspective of another person-- in particular, when I have a certain physical sensation such as breathing or pain, I imagine being that person and having that same sensation in their body just as it happened in mine. This is something I've had only a few fairly recent experiences with but it has very high potential.

I also had a thing I wrote by hand. I am not sure what will become of that but I think it is worth mentioning.

I did not want to give you an entire dissertation but I also wanted to touch on a lot of things I consider important. One reason for my doing this is the building of hopelessnsess, pressure, and apparent decay in my body, all at once (another reason is possibly laziness perpetuated by all of the above-- a laziness which would otherwise be no issue. And, of course, laziness is rooted in fear). I sometimes fear that once I bring up an idea it is not good to do so again so I had better do it right the first time. I am aware of the reduced coherence in the second half of this. Hopefully I did not taint any ideas as a result of time considerations. Time pressure is the killer of life, though to an extent it is also unavoidable.

If it needs mentioning I only seem to talk to you when I have to-- perhaps even beyond that, when I feel I can take no more.

If it is of interest I wrote this between ~8PM and 11:54 PM and it contains ~2550 words.