Harner Update: May 2 2021

Rather than plainly state what has happened in the last several months, I will use this e-mail from Brian (whom I should refer to as "Arian") to provide an idea of such. I received this on April 28, 2021 at 10:44PM.

I think YOU might be the miracle. You're actual living proof that the teachings I've given hold merit, and this isn't just some ultra elaborate joke. I never expected to have such dedication from anyone, much less a young vegan female from New York. Imagine if everyone alive put in as much effort as you have. Brings tears to my eyes thinking about how much you've accomplished in such a short period of time, but then I consider crying like a bitch when I think of the wasted potential of everyone who doesn't care. Not for me, but for you. I'm apologizing in advance for their lackluster performance. Maybe it was me; maybe it was them. Doesn't matter if the end result is failure for everyone. I might just be down in the dumps right now, but the overall perspective of humanity right now continues to bring me down. You're literally the only thing I consider worthwhile. So maybe, just maybe you're the miracle.

My dad is draining my will to live. I can't have any simple conversation with him at this point where he doesn't turn it into a contest or argument. I decided to teach him how to cook a very simple recipe I've been making for decades, literally. He bought the wrong stuff, and he bought it in bulk from Costco. In trying to explain why the salsa he bought (medium) would reduce and marinate the chicken with capsaicin to the point of making it painful to eat, he got angry, told me I didn't know what I was talking about (about my own recipe that he's never even tried), and wanted to know what else to buy at Costco tomorrow for the recipe. I told him 1 onion, tortillas, 1 lime, and white rice. He's now going to shop at Costco for these items meaning there will be pounds of food that will inevitably get thrown away in a week or less. Scott and I have both explained why Costco is not a place to shop for a single guy that eats out 90% of the time. He always retorts with "it's my money and I can do whatever I want with it," defiantly. Just yesterday during one of these discussions which we've had dozens of times over the last few weeks, I tried to explain it analogously. I asked him "if during a drought, a wealthy man could afford turning on his water hose and just letting it flow into a storm drain, do you think I'd be upset about the dumbfuck throwing his money away, or the fact that the water itself is being wasted?" His reply was something similar to "it's none of my business." He just can't seem to understand that the wastefulness itself is what bothers me, not how he's spending his money. There's always this disconnect when we talk, and no matter what subject is in play, he behaves like he's the world's leading expert and ANYONE else is stupid. He does this shit with everyone, not just me, and I'm so fucking tired of it. So, so, so fucking drained. I mean, I got into a discussion with him about being a chef and he told me I've never been a chef several times. I was simply dumbfounded that he didn't even know what a chef was, but what was worse is that he thought he was an expert in the subject. While having a discussion about temps for steak, he ended up on a tangent of how American Indians collected rainwater. I was trying to explain to him that he shouldn't buy a big green egg if he doesn't even know what steak temps are, and that's where he took that, then he had the audacity to tell me I don't know what I'm talking about. Then I rattled off every steak temp, and asked him a simple question "when is chicken done?" He went on a rant about KFC being cheaper than fresh chicken from Albertsons. I've reached the point where I don't even want to look at him, much less talk to him. After every one of these arguments, he tries to act like it never happened. I don't even have the strength to be angry anymore; I'm just completely fucking drained.

I don't think you understand how important you are to my willpower. It's a constant nightmare here, and you're my only reprieve. I even considered lying to get a job the other day I was so mentally beat down. Just so we're clear, I won't break my directives even if it kills me, but that's how insanely frustrating this man is. Then the headlines that continue to compound on the frustration. I'm serious when I say that I might be one or two arguments away from just venturing out into the desert for the last time. I don't know what else to do. Everything is torture... everything except you. I couldn't be prouder. Seriously, when you said that about the compaction fugging up the grail, even though it was funny, I got emotional. When I first explained that to you, I hadn't realized that you didn't have a pertinent working knowledge to completely understand what I was explaining. Now I know that even though you didn't get it, you did what was necessary to understand all on your own. Unbelievably outstanding. I never really know if I'm talking over someone's head. Sometimes a question gets asked and I just roll with it. Now I know that even if you don't get what I'm saying, you're constantly trying to decipher the elements of the complexity of my teachings. Maybe you were supposed to be the broadcaster all along. Think of how many things you've tried to figure out based on rants I've gone on. Now imagine Kassidi having that job, AND me nervous as all hell that she would just nod her head and fuck everything up. You bring a calmness to me in a world full of torture, and I don't think I'll be able to thank you properly for everything you've done. I continue to hope and pray that's not the case, but holy shit am I struggling to maintain a grasp.

Great job, and I can't say I'm sorry enough to make up for all mistakes I've made trying to find someone like you. Wouldn't it have been amazing if this entire Christ journey started with us? Having all the money I started with, excitement, and fortitude I had in the beginning... without all these people/speed bumps fucking it all up? I can't help but think that humanity's maker is fucking furious at humanity right now. There's just so much potential there, and everyone other than you is throwing it away. I know if I was him, I'd be fucking livid.

Apologies again for the shitty attitude. My dad has a knack for bringing that out of me. I really do hope that I can make it up to you in some way... while I'm still alive. I'm hanging on here by a thread, but you're the reason why. Keep up the good work, and if there's anything else I can explain to make things easier on you, don't hesitate to ask... Have a good "1"...