The following is the 11th e-mail message I sent to Brian Harner, and the 23rd message in our conversation. This was sent on August 30 2020, at 1:49PM EST.
All those threads I sent got archived, faster than expected, so you can dismiss those.
You asked early on what made me “me.” There may be three basic factors. 1. I've been pushed by a desire to transcend, to overcome pain, and to not feel hollow, dull, and absent of consciousness. I've looked for real solutions because “quick fixes” (like pain relievers for physical pain) do indeed feel dull. 2. I have had homosexual feelings for as long as I can remember. 3. I had a fairly orderly childhood at a time and place where the more severe forms of degeneracy were not openly encouraged. They are now, but I made it just in time. So I lived in an environment where I was subtly handed the reality on a continual basis that these feelings cannot be realized. I have lived as an “imprisoned” person getting beaten for two decades, not by other humans for this particular issue but by reality itself. I have been shaped by that.
As a teenager I periodically challenged myself, and I did also challenge social norms to an extent. The height of my own “liberal screeching” was age 13 and then 18. I did always maintain the relative extent of order I mentioned, though. I tried alcohol three times by the age of 15 and then walked away forever. No drugs, no hair dye, no sexual relations. In high school there were a few other non-heterosexual people around me but I could never relate to them strongly enough. I had a bit too much order, sense of self-preservation, and repulsion at the premise of being dull and strung-out. My dedication to running played a role in that. When you combine the three basic factors I listed, I was different enough from all manner of people that I became relatively isolated. Simultaneously I had a year-round team that I was a leader of for some time due to my ability. They couldn't solve my problems, but they had my back in some difficult moments.
At least one aspect people have always seen in me, as far as I can tell, is that I'm “lame.” In junior high I know people made fun of me and called me a weirdo and whatnot. Though not overtly expressed the gayness might have naturally repelled people, as it tends to do. I was not “cool” because I am not physically attractive, I made a genuine effort at doing well in school (and succeeded), and in many cases I lacked the loud social posturing others excelled at. I did have a capacity for humor and some loudness, but my basic inclination was to be introverted. I also had no intentions on being that delusional girl whom no one likes but finds some group of degenerates who will let her drink with them while they manipulate her and make fun of her behind their back. In high school I became one of the school's fastest distance runners and people started to leave me alone. The way people related to me changed: at 15 I could tell that I had started to command some respect. In the back of my mind I considered that the respect might be fleeting, but it was a leg up over my previous position. Without articulating this particular idea, I learned that I could use physiological prowess to fight my way through Hell. Social interactions might have been draining, the future might have seemed uncertain, and I might not ever be normal or find love, but I could find something while running that was absent everywhere else. To top it off, my success as an athlete was unexpected because I had a soft childhood in which I was sickly, unfit, and started off at 12 as one of the slowest runners on my team. As a 15-year-old girl I started to think about honor and realizing my full potential. Since then running has always been my anchor and what I rely on to express the full extent of myself.
I found that I could fight my way through Hell, but could I leave it?
At 16 I started to take an interest in leaving Hell through global change. My train of thought became largely leftist with an interest in communism. At 17 I let go of the communism but not the fundamental leftism. 18 was the height of both my degeneracy-in-thought and getting smacked down by reality. One of the “worst” things I've done is attempt to date a bisexual woman when I was 18. She would not date me but she did make use of me several times. She was wrought with hedonism and hopelessness. I tried to instill positivity and a desire for personal growth, and it ended up being a delusion that kept me stuck trying to invest in this person. Talk about handing a trophy to last place and getting beaten over the head with it. Aptly enough that age of my life ended with me seeing a large gathering of adult homosexuals for the first time, witnessing their low regard for life, and having a thankfully-victorious altercation with a drunken man who wanted to rape me. The seed was planted for change in my political thought. It's as if for the entirety of my year as an 18-year-old, life was trying to show me that I was wrong: that's the only year that I've faced sexual harassment, for instance. The more simultaneously redpilled and “self-mastered” I've become, the more that people leave me alone.
At 20 I met a young blue-eyed white man at college whom I found attractive. I tried to take the opportunity to convert myself to heterosexuality but I was rejected, and the feelings did not last. Back to torturing myself with thoughts of women. This coincided with the 2016 election. This combination of circumstances opened me to the consideration of alternate viewpoints. I became interested in understanding why people were right-wing. That led me to InfoWars and reddit. On r/The_Donald I saw mention of 8ch a few times. I had heard of 4chan but never 8. Something sparked my curiosity... At first I didn't understand the website and made my way to voat instead. While on voat I continued to be curious. After a few weeks, in June 2017, I went back to 8ch and figured out how it worked. It turned my world upside-down. I forced myself to read very carefully all of the critical information about homosexuals and women. By the end of the month, just before my 21st birthday, I thought my life might be over. /pol/ suggested that women are doomed to be deluded by their emotions forever. If I can't grow anymore, I thought, why go on? After a few days of the hopelessness I had a talk with my father. I told him that, given both the inferiority of women and my attraction to them, I wished I could be a man. I clarified that I did not believe in transitioning nor pretending to be something I'm not. I also clarified that I did not really want to die, but I felt lost. He told me, though he could not relate to what I was going through, not to give up so easily.
I'll stop there, because here's the thing. Sure, I had external influences like /pol/, but I didn't have to read it. That was a choice. What led me to make that choice? I have to credit that first factor I listed at the beginning-- the spirit of consciousness. Leaving Hell has to come from within. Do all people even have the capacity for that spirit? If so, how do you nurture that to a point where they are open to “The Way”? Even then, it's not just a conceptual ideal but a vibrational one.
If it must be said I am technically a debt-free virgin woman in my 20s, but the reasons for that are somewhat dark.
I have considered that everything is for my self-realization, including my feelings. The attractions I have lead me to lessons, and of course I have license to speak openly about the problems with homosexuality. I am less anxious about and less thrown around by my feelings now: instead of trying to control things like a BitCH, I accept the heartACHe and let myself be moved by that. As a liberal I held on to a sense of entitlement to experiencing love with another person, but I've steadily let that go. I still wonder if there is a potential for full sexual conversion as opposed to voluntary celibacy. I've considered that just as homosexuality creates Hell, Hell perpetuates homosexuality. In my interactions with men I can see ulterior motives and attempts to manipulate me. Everyone is like this, though here I focus specifically on men who show some attraction to me. They push me to be emotionally reactive when I don't want to be since that's chaotic suffering. When I finally stop subtly fighting and am purely present with them, they usually stop talking to me. It's as if they need me to be retarded to be considered attractive to them, which is one reason I said in an article that “I don't have what it takes to love a man.” I think this is unfair to myself, however, in that I'm holding myself to Hell's conceptions of what love is. It is not like I do not appreciate the inner beauty of men. And, of course, if I had things my way they would be infinitely better off than feminists have them.
If I met a man who is pure of intent and dedicated to “The Way” it is possible I could be with him for at least (shared) strategic purposes, but I can't guarantee that. You say sex should just be for procreation and is not highly regarded by evolved beings anyway. I definitely see the exhaustion in sex. I've considered that sexual energy is present in every interaction and can lead to ultimate power if properly exploited, but I tire of thinking about that at all. I prefer to be alone with my feelings and transmute them into action. While I can still find a righteous path, I know /pol/ would warn me about the biological clock ticking. In the throes of societal hostility and global omnicide, raising a child is not exactly on my priorities list. As with anything I would have to be led by my maker to do it, with a genetically compatible suitor, and even then successfully raising an untainted child while balancing the transition to a new way of life will be an enormous task. I've assumed it won't happen since it lacks in both importance and viability, but it's not impossible.
Overall I have spent a lot of time alone, thinking about things. I know I have done this to an unusual extent. Not everyone has that kind of space and time, though they might find some if they tried.
If I must ask a relevant question, it would be what is my ultimate destiny as a woman. I've figured that this question is not that important because as long as people yield to their makers they will do what they need to do, so I don't truly need to know the answer. But I'll go on.
I suppose I do need a close relationship with a man to become a per-son, first of all. You said, “A human male has 7ish protrusions that are strengthened, and 2ish that are weakened. The inverse is true for women. With this ideal in mind, a man and woman together possess all of the 9 principle protrusions fully strengthened when they are together and 'in love.'” I don't think you've said what exactly the nine principles are. My apologies if I have overlooked this.
Will my path of transcendence involve reincarnating as a man if I am successful? I've had the thought that in a past life I was a man who failed at his mission by being too permissive and forgiving, and I've consequently reincarnated as a woman who has to look at Hell with eyes wide open for the sake of undeniability. If true it would certainly explain some things about me.
I will get back to writing about Jesus and addressing other subjects. I posted in a thread earlier where OP claimed this is Heaven. I told him this is actually Hell due to selfishness which has led to omnicide. In response a Brazilian called me a “dindu”, implied I was in a position of power, said it's my fault and that normal people just do whatever they're told. So he implied that people in power have free will but the majority of people do not. This sounds like yet another example of people thinking that success comes from magic. It's true a small power-elite has done its damage, but they have been allowed by people choosing passivity.
For the sake of timeliness, maybe tomorrow you should contact me by phone to let me know whether you'll have to make another holy grail blank. I can text you first to confirm that it's my number.