Message to Brian: #49/#84

The following is the 49th e-mail message I sent to Brian Harner, and the 84th message in our conversation. It was sent on October 17 2020 at 11:53AM.

For now I have removed the first two sentences as well as an image.

I realize that some of my wording in the paragraph about the 30-hour race is not the best. In the last sentence I should have said people want in "on" the race, instead of in "to." Also, the following sentence should have been structured differently: "By the way, I immediately considered that the shoe problem was due not only to arrogance, but my inablity to produce my own shoes does not help..." Most likely in this form: "By the way, I immediately considered that the shoe problem was due not only to arrogance: my inablity to produce my own shoes does not help..."

Dear Brian,

I was thinking about calling you last night. Starting the morning after I got home from the city, I thought about writing a letter to a certain person. After a few hours I got an idea to write a letter to another person, and then on Thursday a third person arose. I realized that the order in which I thought of these people corresponded with the scarecrow, the tinman, and the cowardly lion. Those analogies will become clear once it is revealed who the people are. I have been working on the letters in reverse order. I wrote the letter to the lion on Thursday, and it should have gotten picked up in the afternoon yesterday. I don't expect to hear anything about it before the end of next week.

Thursday night and yesterday I did research on the tinman. This will definitely be the most difficult letter to write. I thought about calling you because I am scared that I cannot do a good enough job. If he takes it seriously at all, he will probably just think he is doing “good enough” under the present circumstances. I am concerned that I do not have detailed enough knowledge to tell him otherwise. This person is the tinman because he has the ability to understand the technical aspects of your message, but he might dismiss the message out of concern for his own social or financial status. He might empathize with us if I talk about cattle farming (since he owns a farm) and mention the fact that you are a Navy veteran, since he is a Navy SEAL veteran. His father owned an American manufacturing company, so he might also empathize with your abilities as a toolmaker and the idea of a grail manufacturing facility. He also knows what it's like to be villified by the public. I know someone who met him, too.

Instead of calling you, I prayed. Since the end of our meeting I have considered that I am not supposed to ask you for help anymore. That's why, when you said that, “Questions lead to more questions,” I replied, “Maybe not this time.” The Wizard of Oz Prophecy might exist on at least two levels. The first level was the race. You were there for me just before it started and just after it ended, but not during. The second level is the time after our meeting, until who knows when. With the end of our meeting I finally got the ruby slippers, which is analogous to your knowledge. Now I'm on my own to recruit three people to go to Oz with me so that I (likely everyone) can ultimately return home. I have not gotten an inkling yet of who the other characters in the story are.

By the way, I have considered the possibility that humanity's maker does not want a grail manufacturing facility. He would not want you, along with a team you have recruited, to produce grails for people to use without having to learn how to make grails themselves. The only way he might be okay with the facility (under present circumstances) is if it is used just to make the grails which will construct the first pyramid. I don't think he wants holy grails to be products that anyone anywhere can buy. There is a potential danger of a wealthy person exploiting scarcity by hoarding as many grails as he can and re-selling them at exorbitant prices. I might relay this to the tinman and make it clear that I am not necessarily asking for money, at least not yet. If I can both send his letter and receive a reply soon enough, hopefully he is interested in talking to you. Then again, who knows how much more you are meant to do.

Do not get the impression that I want you gone. If I had things “my” way then you could stay to help us, and someone would offer you a place to call “home” (at least temporarily or sometimes). Maybe it would be me, or maybe it would not have to be. Either way, I think the reality is that humanity's maker wants to see how much work we are willing to do to in order to achieve salvation and save what can be saved, which should be the Earth, a portion of humanity, the dream of purity, and hopefully humanity's maker himself. The only other way a grail manufacturing facility might be justified (i.e. aside from the “first pyramid only” scenario) is if most of humanity wakes up and insists on constructing pyramids as quickly as possible. The facility would be justified in that case for the sake of time, since more will be preserved the more quickly we act. If there is to be such a facility, it might make sense that you should be involved with it. But I don't know for sure.

What is hard for me to accept is that I have not fully absorbed everything you have told me right away. I had my chance, and thinking about all of the small failures where I was distracted by fearful thoughts is demoralizing. It breaks my heart every time I fail you and humanity's maker, and see how I fall short of what is needed. During the Tesla Hertz Run I started saying, “I apologize for every error.” At least I am becoming more in tune with my most subtle thoughts on a moment-to-moment basis. Somehow I will have to move on from the pain of failure so that I can be present every moment.

I was invited to an unofficial race on private land today, but I did not go. I am still too hurt to run very fast or far, and due to the race format I do not think I would get to talk to people much. This was a last-minute decision. This race was another factor in me wanting to call you last night: I was trying to imagine myself talking to people at the race about these things, and I was just having a hard time seeing it be successful. What is troubling is that there is no one like you. If we end up receiving external help then we might be able to afford the loss of you, but if we do not get that help then I am scared that we will fall short without you. Maybe on the current trajectory we deserve to lose you, or maybe humanity's maker wants to see what we can do without you. I have no idea, and it isn't set in stone. I have felt a bit sorry for myself regarding my physical pain. The metatarsal pain in my right foot is worst of all, and it seems to get easily worsened just by laying, sitting, or moving the wrong way. It helps to think of you and how much more you have endured: I feel less alone that way.

The exact day we started to argue over whether I should go to Tesla, October 1st, I received an e-mail from another race I registered for. I was informed that I would have to quarantine for 14 days in order to go to the race. That made the decision to go to Tesla easier, since I figured it would be my last chance at running 100 miles for a few months. Since Tesla ended I have been reconsidering this other race. It is based on time instead of distance. This means that instead of measuring the amount of time it takes each runner to complete a certain distance, the results measure the distance each runner completes in the given time period. To be specific, this is a 30-hour race, and the winner is whomever runs the farthest in that time. Note that 30 hours is the standard cutoff time for 100-mile races, including Tesla. The race starts on November 7 at 9:00AM, which is one day before your phone service is scheduled to turn off. Tesla started one day after your phone was scheduled to turn off. The name of this race is the Hamsterwheel, and it takes place in New Boston, NH. We are allowed to enter the race venue starting at 6:06AM, and the race ends at 3:00PM on Sunday November 8. Perhaps I will get new shoes in the next week or two and work out the few questions I have regarding my running form. One thing I am struggling with is how I should position my lower back and pelvis while I run. Bent, straight, or arched-- either nothing works, or I am failing to hold the correct position. My tailbone became the most painful part of my body during Tesla, aside from various parts of my feet. By the way, I immediately considered that the shoe problem was due not only to arrogance, but my inablity to produce my own shoes does not help (by the way, I have figured that I will use tires to do this as long as they are available). Neither did the short-notice of the race, but that is a very minor excuse. Anyway, the Hamsterwheel is nicknamed, “The dumbest race in NH.” Perhaps the fact that things have come down to this race, as opposed to success at Tesla, reflects upon the state of things. There are 150 entrants and roughly 80 people on the waitlist (a few added themselves multiple times), so the number of people who want in to this “dumb” race is beyond its carrying capacity.

Right now the plan is to post all three of the letters online, so that all three people can read each other's letters. I guess I am not going to ask for advice on the tinman, but I kind of wish I could. It feels like a lonely effort. The person I know who met him said he is a “great guy” and agrees that he should not have been villified.

I'm wondering what part of the Foo Fighters playlist we are on. It's possible that “Come Back” is the song I initiated in August, and the previous song “Ain't It the life” might have something to do with Judas. Not sure, though. On the current trajectory, I would guess that “M.I.A.” is coming soon. I noticed that the playlist consists of the first 11 songs of two different albums - “There is Nothing Left to Lose” and “One by One.” “Come Back” is the 11th and final song on “One by One,” and its release date is October 22 2002. In case you never looked at this, here is the album each song belongs to, along with its song number on that album.

1) Stacked Actors - There is Nothing Left to Lose, #1

2) All My Life - One by One, #1

3) Breakout - There is Nothing Left to Lose, #2

4) Low - One by One, #2

5) Have It All - One by One, #3

6) Learn To Fly - There is Nothing Left to Lose, #3

7) Times Like These - One by One, #4

8) Gimme Stitches - There is Nothing Left to Lose, #4

9) Disenchanted Lullaby - One by One, #5

10) Generator - NLL, #5

11) Aurora (One of my all time favorites) - NLL, #6

12) Tired Of You - OO, #6

13) Live-in Skin - NLL, #7

14) Halo (THEE quintessential Brian Harner song.) - OO, #7

15) Lonely As You - OO, #8

16) Next Year - NLL, #8

17) Overdrive - OO, #9

18) Headwires - NLL, #9

19) Burn Away - OO, #10

20) Ain't It The Life - NLL, #10

21) Come Back - OO, #11

22) M.I.A. - NLL, #11

From these two albums, only one song was left out-- the 12th song on “There is Nothing Left to Lose,” titled, “Fraternity.” From the titles alone I would guess that means you will not get to experience brotherhood and true love while on Earth. It's clear from the lyrics that Dave Grohl is jaded on expressions of so-called “fraternity,” since he suggests that people come together out of sheer herd mentality and therefore do not know true love.

Once I am done with the letters I am looking to post a write-up of our meeting, write transcripts of our conversations, and write articles about the various subjects of your teachings (as needed). I also have to post our last recorded conversation and the reference list. I suppose I will have to continually refine the information to be more organized and palatable. What is difficult for people at this point, I would guess, is that looking into this information is a lonely pursuit. It's not something people readily share with their loved ones. It might be helpful if classes could be held, at least on the technical topics such as what it takes to produce a grail (e.g. foundry work, lost foam/lathe method, lost wax/traditional method). Of course, all of that takes resources.

One of the hardest consequences of this e-mail to deal with is that it will affect the letters I am writing. Instead of being final calls for help before you go, they might be something else?

I finally listened to “My Friends” by Red Hot Chili Peppers. In the original music video the band is at sea in a canoe. It is kind of weird, possibly like how your group of friends are either weird individuals or an odd group of people. It is hard to read your paste by the same title and see what might have been possible. Any time that you are optimistic and then people fail to deliver (myself included)... It hurts to see.

I guessed you would spend at least 1-2 weeks at Nathan's house, but who knows. Maybe you have already gone M.I.A. Whenever you do, I hope the experience is beautiful. If this is the last message I get to send to you, thank you for everything. I almost wish I could keep you around, but I am sure you are ready for freedom and, moreover, a place that is functional. Maybe I will figure out how to communicate with you by other means.

There are certain words I shouldn't have to say, since you would already know if I have made it real. For now, goodbye.

-Kimberly Wrate