The Pursuit of Love

This is a Q&A with myself regarding how to take opportunities as they arise and get things right with a person you’re attracted to. Enjoy.

What happens when I get an opportunity to express something important to someone that I’m attracted to and I blow it?

The relationship will go differently than it could have. It’s not “finished” or “ruined” per se, but it will take a somewhat different course than it might have. Of course, you know this: it works the same with creating things, such as writing an article. It’ll turn out differently if you wait a few hours to write it than if you start writing it right now.

My sense is that I should not pursue the person, when I screw up like this. Can you explain?

Yes. To pursue is to affirm that you do not have something. A relationship enters a very dangerous state when one side starts pursuing the other. The party being pursued senses they are being manipulated, and they become defensive.

I don’t understand. What if I feel called to find someone? I guess something seems off about that premise, but I’m not sure what. On top of that, I’m confused as to how synchronicities work (which in this context roughly means, “running into a person and having a strong connection with that person, in that moment.” It may or may not be someone you already know). Some synchronicities are expected—some aren’t. Sometimes I get what I intend, such as when I want to see a particular person, and sometimes I don’t. What’s the deal here?

Notice that in the past when you relaxed your need to talk to a particular person, you were finally able to do so. Your relationship hadn’t been hurt by your need: rather, communication simply had been delayed. Had you transcended need during your first meeting, things would have happened differently—and sooner, for that matter.

Sometimes you do attract to you the specific thing you hope for—and sometimes you are too fearful to engage with it in the way you’ve intended to. This fear is due, in part, to your perceived need. When you need a specific result, you are fearful of not getting it. And that fear trips you up.

Okay. But that need is such a good motivator. I feel lit up to take action. How can I argue with it?

Consider that you could have the same desires and intuitions to act anyway, yet without the need.

And without the need, I wouldn’t get scared, and I’d do things right the first time. And then there’d be no need to pursue!

Exactly! You can transcend need in one fell swoop.

That sounds great, but what if I get scared and screw up?

Nothing is ever over. There is always another chance. That being said, when you miss an opportunity, your desires will take longer to manifest, and they will do so differently than they originally would have.

Of course, your desires will take even longer if you get needy about them, because your need will affirm that you don’t have them. In the case of desiring another human being, if you pursue this person, you’ll likely be quite anxious about it. This will be due to your need. And so, by the time you see them you will be unable to express to them what you desire to express, for you will be too fearful. If you manage to remember in that moment that you need nothing, you’ll transcend the fear. Yet, fear tends to be forgetful. Thus, the overall message here is, do not pursue.

But I don’t want to give up. I’ve gotten terrible results when I let things slide and pretend everything is OK. Goodness, this seems so complicated.

It’s not. You’ll get it soon.

Hm. It seems that when people appear unexpectedly, I typically wasn’t feeling a need for them to appear. And in those situations, I tend to be at my best. Makes sense.

But there’s a person in my life whose house I sometimes go to with intention of talking to her—and I generally don’t announce in advance that I’m coming over. How about that? I always do a good job in that setting—yet, you could say that by showing up at her house I’m “pursuing” her.

Oh, but you aren’t pursuing her. The two of you have consciously agreed that it is not only acceptable for you to show up at her house unannounced, but your doing so is welcome. Additionally, there is very little, if any, neediness in this relationship. The levels of understanding and acceptance are high between the two of you, and neither of you seeks a specific result. The only desire is that the two of you experience each other’s presence. Overall, this is a loving relationship. Your actions here are simply meeting the love that is already present. Such action is not the same as pursuit. You would do well to emulate this approach in other relationships, particularly where romantic attraction is involved.

Geez. This sounds like such a fine line to walk.

It’s really not. All you have to ask of any intention is whether it’s rooted in love or fear.

But it so often seems like love. I want it to be. Why isn’t it?

Because you’ve entered into the idea that there is something you must do in order to keep the love alive. Of course, this is not true. Love begets itself. Unfettered love sustains itself effortlessly. It does not need to try or to prove itself.

But you have to take action! You have to show your love! Relationships are supposed to be hard work! That’s how we grow and become better people!

How “hard” is your relationship with this person?

Why, it’s totally effortless. But that’s only because we love each other and no need to fear each other.

Interesting. And do you grow through this relationship?

Oh, yes—very much so. It’s very helpful to practicing expressing myself honestly, listening carefully, being empathic and understanding, and elevating another person’s energy and self-confidence. It’s great! This relationship does wonders for me.

And you say these things are not hard, with this person.

No, they aren’t. I have to consciously intend to do them, but I pretty much inevitably remember to do that. It all happens rather naturally.

Why do you think this is?

There is very little fear in this relationship. But of course it’s easy—it’s not like there’s any sort of romantic or sexual element involved here.

You say it’s romance that makes you afraid? Then why are you so withholding with so many of your family members? And with friends you’ve never been even slightly attracted to?

Because… I imagine they want me to be perfect and I’m not, I guess. I don’t know. How is it that this relationship got to be so loving, whereas many others are not? Tell me, what did I do right?

Good question. The answer, of course, is that you didn’t do anything. You were never needy. You’ve never pursued. All you’ve done is answer love when it calls to you. You did the equivalent of “getting it right the first time” with this one: this person requested help, and you felt inspired to offer it. At that meeting you were open, attentive, and warm-hearted, and things have been flowing smoothly since. Note that things weren’t always this way, though. You didn’t get it right the absolute first time. Prior to this meeting, you experienced that this relationship was sorely lacking in love-- and this was the case for years.

Well, what turned it all around?

You simply acted on your intuition.

What, is that it? Are you telling me that that’s all I’m supposed to do?

Yes. All you have to do is stay in a state of love- one of higher energy- and your intuition will guide you well from there. When you are in a state of love, you will easily take the opportunities given you—for a state of love is a state of clarity. And all will flow smoothly from there. In the event that you forego a desired opportunity, simply acknowledge the fact, be gentle on yourself, and return to a state of love. Likewise, when you find yourself in anxious pursuit, put on the brakes and be in love once again. From a state of love, opportunity will arise again—and intuition will guide you there. Remember—you can have and realize all the same desires without needing them.

See oneness once again, and you shall find your desires are already met.

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