Since July 2018 I have intended on making my thought process transparent. I have wondered how to go about this in the proper manner. All this writing seems doomed to be rushed since it takes time to put the pieces together. Moreover, I feel unable to share all of my thought uncensored: I have suspected that sharing my thought process would create too much chaos and possibly cause the point to be missed when my aim is to stay on point. The point, in my mind, is what I am and what I am to become. In my previous years of writing I encountered a great deal of unpleasantness which I insist on avoiding. I need to write in a manner which yields ascension-- not stuckness. Not engaging in this writing has also become a form of stuckness; though, I have explained the reasons for delay, which are legitimate. I do not believe in taking words at face value and therefore I do not care to use many of them myself. Words are one of the most incomplete and most misinterpreted forms of communication. The proper use of words is always anchored in a particular energy which desires to be communicated: how often this energy actually needs words in order to be expressed is debatable. So far I have done very little communicating such energy through words, though I do think it is possible to do more. I have many notebooks at home filled with thoughts: I do not lack for matters of interest nor things to say about them. What I need for this task is something else. The writing must be in itself a form of self-realization, in addition to its addressing the subject of self-realization. I need to do this; and, simultaneously, I refuse to cave to desperation. I will not sacrifice the point in the name of just saying something.
There is a nagging concern that I might have to drag you all through the muck of life. I am reluctant even to say this because it influences the course of my decision-making and therefore my fate. Can this all be smooth and harmonious or must I communicate internal conflicts, uncertainties, and lowlier thoughts as well? Is this necessary to the process of becoming what I am destined to be? Or can much remain to the side as mere private thought? I have expressed previously: What is there to say about peace and perfection? Are life's heights not above words? Are not words, the lowliest form of communication, doomed to speak only of lowly consciousness and life in its compromised forms (as opposed to its perfect ones)? Or is there, indeed, something sufficient to say of the original perfection of life? Perhaps there is a way to communicate the process of my thought, my self-realization, and the course of my life, and I need only do so with the right timing (especially in relation to other developments in the process and to the entirety of the message being communicated). The right timing can be heeded intuitively by sensing what is to be communicated which will yield ascension.
Of particular interest to me at this point in time is the premise of reforming my nervous system. I come to this task after months of feeling increasingly "fried." I seek ascension, uplifting the energy which courses through my body to the point of essentially becoming something different, even if I seem to be the same physical form. The consequence is that I can hardly speak of petty matters anymore, such as social trifles, without feeling bogged down and "fried." It is literally physically painful for me to lower my consciousness to such a level; however, it is not impossible, and I could still do it if either certain considerations make me feel obligated to do so or if I become either distracted from or disheartened from the point.
What I primarily get disheartened by is the thought that I am unable to become what I think I should or want to become. Love is the force which brings about self-realization, if it is heeded in completeness. This means that the way to honor what I love- that is, to love it in the right way- is to become what I am destined to be. This means that the development of both love (relationships- to anything) and of oneself are simultaneous. As such, it is not always clear to me the course which either one is to take. Moreover, I find apparent conflicts between what I think I love and what I think I should become. Since the purpose of love is to develop the self, the two are not supposed to be in conflict with one another. If they seem to be in conflict that means my conception of either one or both is incorrect. This could mean that I do not actually love what I think I love or my ideas about love are flawed. It could also mean that conception of what I am to become is incomplete or flat-out wrong. Also, as mentioned earlier, there is the pain of a seeming inability to become what I seek to become. This inability is due, on one hand, to humanity having degraded itself over time and losing reach of its original ultimate potential. It is also due, on the other hand, to personal shortcoming. This second factor (personal shortcoming) is actually far more pressuring since I have nearly complete control over it and it never goes away: this factor, of whether I personally will fall short, more or less defines me as a person. The first factor (humanity having fallen) is more like an inevitability which I simply have to navigate in the right way. While I have ideas regarding how to do that, humanity collectively reversing its fallenness remains more than 0% possible though I do not foresee it. A small portion of human life might rise in the near future; but, most, or even all? This is a matter I have been conflicted on. It is possible, even foreseeable, that everyone and all things will be seen for what they really are, and at least in this way they will have self-realized. Since the most important thing is what one is, I think bringing to light the true identity of all things is all I can ultimately work toward.
My task is two-fold, then: I must self-realize and I must see to it that all else self-realizes as well. While the second task is more complicated than the first it is also inseparable from it, since anything I am to do or to be is inseparable from my own self-realization.