Trying to Write

I have to do this, and I don't want to overdo this. To get this task right it has to be desirable in some fashion. To be desirable it has to be relevant. So far I have more or less regarded it as a damper and inconvenience to my life. Logically I know it is in the right direction but I often prefer not to enter the strife of talk and instead stay in the perfection of silence. I often wonder whether certain problems even exist until one is obligated to speak of them.

A big theme is always wanting to stay connected to Nature. Nature is beautiful; but, in one way or another I am relatively obligated to technology and going inside. Like now, with both this computer and this storm that is about to start. It is beautiful to stay out in the storm, to make oneself vulnerable to the rain, to feel it on the skin. This is to be undone. It is comparable to touching a flower and to sitting in the grass, feeling the breeze in one's hair, with one's stature untarnished in Mother Nature. This is how one feels alive and noble-- to stand in Nature with presence and no preconceptions about needing to conquer it.

Since I cycle through the same basic thoughts again and again it is possible that I can make this task of codifying my journey work by more or less sharing my thoughts live, as they come to me. It seems logical that more organization will be demanded than that. For now, though, this may be how I get through this. It has been difficult to start. I know that the use of the English language is not perfect here, either. However, an excess of scrutiny will make it too hard to move forward, even when the goal is indeed perfection. I am concerned that once I express a particular idea I will not get to do so again, lest I talk too much-- even if I come up with a more refined and organized way to express the idea. It is like running a race: you only get one chance to run each step. It is not like a workout, where you repeat the same run multiple times, with the chance to refine yourself each time.

Several things I am wondering about right now. One is how trapped one gets into a certain tone. Tone, or perhaps we should say style, is a highly important element of self-expression and of writing in particular. To a large extent the style is the idea. Getting trapped into a slightly dreary or sub-par tone for too long can spell out a slow and steady doom for a particular piece of writing.

The other thing is that maybe I can repeat ideas, after all, as long as it's not forced. It is important to make deliberate and organized efforts. There seems to be a conflict between this genial, rational way of being and the desire to feel close to home. This desire is for an all-accepting silence and, above all, for a kind of motherly love which demands nothing and allows one to sleep safely, admired and in comfort. For the sake of geniality I know that I should not only write but share my thoughts as I go along so as to have fine and accurate records of my journey. For the sake of feeling, on the other hand, I like to stay silent, to rise to the awareness of my highest and most unembellished feelings, and to connect with Nature. As I mentioned at the beginning, this puts me at odds with writing, and I thus remain silent. As such, the ultimate hope is that doing my work and sharing the journey will put me in a place that helps me to connect with Nature and with my own self. At the very least, writing is honorable regarding what I believe I should rise to; therefore, doing so adds to my self-realization even if it requires that I spend time using technology.

I am always hoping that my message is capable of being understood, and that it has been expressed in the most perfect way. Alas, some extent of failure is inevitable. It is most important that the message is at least in integrity with what I am and intend to be, lest I oppress the highest conception of myself.

The conflicts between silence and talk, Nature and technology, and perfection and strife are fundamental to the challenges at hand. Let us see how I deal with them.