Emotional Refuge

The following is part of an e-mail message I sent to Brian Harner on December 29 2020 at 2:03AM.

I do not handle social adversity as well as I ought to. When we met, you might have noticed that I have the rather disgusting habit of picking at my skin (mainly on my face). I don't do it much when I go on trips with others or to long races, so I probably looked better than usual for those few days. Since I started to post the uncensored material, I have been engaging in that habit more. I look rather wretched right now. I've always kind of felt like it provides an emotional/analytical refuge, even though it doesn't actually make anything better. It is very nearly my only vice, aside from dreaming about women-- though even that slips away more and more the more disillusioned I become. Sorry that is not wonderful to hear about. It might help to get it off my chest, though.

The general thing I am thinking about here is these futile "emotional refuges" (not refugees). I know the relevant information you have given me is how MK Ultra works (i.e. selfishness) and also, as always, capitulating to your maker instead of to your ego. I guess sometimes I subtly seek a break from the pressure. Other times I wish that I could capitulate to the "normal" human side without it being hostile to what is best-- though it is hostile, indeed. It is likewise sad to me that people close to me (such as my parents) have less and less of an ability to shield me from the challenges I face. I suppose that the austerity of standing alone, with nothing more than the intent to serve one's maker, is essential to adulthood-- especially manhood. It is "too bad" that transcending your own emotional refuges makes you appear more callous and distant to others.