Learning About True Love: #2

The following is the 45th e-mail message I received from Brian Harner, and the 121st message in our conversation. It was sent on December 8 2020 at 5:44AM.

Part one is a message from me.

Kim... I'm not trying to put myself on a pedestal with relationship matters. In fact, it's quite the opposite. When I say that there is no woman on Earth that I would be able to have a decent relationship with, it's because I don't want to infect the ability of a young woman capable of creating new life. Yes, I am the Christ of the new age. That said, I'm a fucking asshole. 40+ years in hell does that to us...

You have potential to raise a wonderful child, but that potential diminishes greatly when my presence persists. Of course this is based on my neverending pursuit of survival, and subsequent dialect there following, but I remain hopeful regardless of my personal life. I understand how difficult the task of finding an adequate spouse is to anyone with a shred of real enlightenment, but the struggle must continue. You will be successful, whether here or otherwise. In regards to me personally, I will not pursue that avenue again. In regards to sex, it would be a miracle in and of itself to get me into that position willingly for numerous reasons. That said, I remain a man, and continue to have urges in that realm. The two of us having sexual relations is as impossible as anyone else, from my perspective. It isn't about attraction, it isn't about age, it isn't about purity. The reason is because I want you to be happy with someone you can be completely comfortable with. I will never be that man. I've lost that ability. With my ex-wife, I would have been willing to try again, but that doesn't mean it would have worked out. Remember... I'm an asshole, and since becoming the Christ, I'm a fucking asshole WITH conviction. I'd feel bad for my ex-wife. With you? I'd feel downright horrible.

Pair bonding is important. More important than sex, procreation, and a "home life." True love, real true love begins with a respect and trust that forms between human and maker. Without that bond the individual cannot form a lasting relationship from human to human. The two of us do have that in common. My ex-wife and I did not. My ex-wife and I did have everything else, where you and I do not. There is a possibility of fostering an understanding between humanity's maker and my ex-wife, but filling the void between you and I would take a long and very troublesome way of living. Instead of trying to fill that void, I'd rather help you find a real soulmate.

These types of conversations have happened before. As I said, all women are attracted to me. That's not vanity talking, it's just the way it is. I'm truly flattered every time, especially when it's a young attractive woman. It saddens me however that the pickings are so slim in the real man category that a fat, broken down, hairy, ugly, asshole like me gets any attention at all, but I understand why. Women see me... even if they don't know what they're really looking at. Men, therefore, are usually jealous as a result. Shane is really the only man that hasn't been. Jealousy in a variety of ways is more than likely the fuel behind why Robert ultimately became Judas#2. Everyone liked me more, gave me enormous respect, and almost every young attractive woman in Mangum wanted to hang out with me regularly. He never admitted it, but I could always tell he struggled greatly with that emotion. Shane never once gave me that vibe. You can find a man like Shane. That is what I recommend. I'm not trying to say you're not attractive to me, and I'm not saying I'm too good for you. All I'm saying is that I understand why you feel the way you do, and I'd like you to have someone that can reciprocate. I cannot, and it has nothing to do with you. Please understand that. I'm not rejecting you or any of the other women that have been attracted to me... I'm rejecting myself, from all women.

Now... when it comes to what I'm "disappointed" in in regards to you, I'll refer back to my last email. It's not as much about what you've personally done, it's more about what others have done to you. The real kicker as I've explained several times in various ways is how you react to the enigma of real change. This is hell, and try as I might to relinquish my own judgements on how people react to living in hell, I fall short. I'm not here to judge what individuals do to survive in hell from a subordinate position within the ranks of social hierarchies. I'm here to enlighten people to the presence of hell, rehabilitate them from the grasp of demon ideologies, and shed light on the path to Salvation/transcendence. Those who control hell, fight for its survival and trade species wide transcendence for selfish conquests are my enemies. The grey area of that dilemma pool is where I faulter sometimes. I don't mean to be overly judgemental and harsh, but it does happen, and sometimes I'm ashamed of myself for being so rigid.

There are so many people involved in manipulating the collective human zeitgeist right now, I feel like I'm playing a whack a mole game with thousands of the little bastards popping up at a time. Unfortunately as I deal with that, my co-players catch the brunt of my frustrations, and for that I apologize. Analogously, I'm similar to an interventionist trying to rehabilitate drug addicts. Frequently, I try to push too hard and too fast. It's as if I want people to automatically be fully rehabilitated immediately after they stop doing drugs. It's unrealistic, but I try stubbornly anyways to force the timeline of those events. Everyone alive is dealing with these addictions, and everyone heals from them at their own pace. You're doing great. I'm not upset at you for anything you've tried to accomplish after coming in contact with me. That's all I can hope and ask for. Just keep in mind, I'm an asshole, and with that comes impatience. I'm sorry if I push too hard or rush you. You know the aspects that you're trying to change about your life which I deem disappointing. There's no reason to reiterate those things repeatedly. Just know that I know that you're doing your best, and that "best" is better than anyone else I've tried to rehabilitate.

Relax. I'm very proud of your progress. The situations and circumstances you've lived with before I came along created the test that you passed. Always remember that I don't kick people while they're down. Everyone is trying their best to do what they think is right... in hell. After meeting me, listening to what I say, and reading what I write... if an individual tells me to fuck off or relapses on their "addiction" to the hellish conditions contained within selfishness, and does so egregiously... several times, that's a different story. You're not like that. There's only a handful of people in the entire human populace that ARE like that. I'm a very forgiving person and give multiple opportunities. You haven't needed any of them. It's good that you strive for perfection. I'm honored that you're trying so hard, but there are a lot of things that you try to be perfect in that take time. Just keep trying. You're doing great. Relax...

I'll try to keep up with these as much as I can. I'm kinda like you in that I don't know when the last email will be sent. If and when that happens, don't take it personally, please. There's a lot happening and circumstances can change for me rapidly. Thank you for everything.