The following is an e-mail message I wrote to Brian Harner and his response.
I sent this message on December 9 2020 at 2:02AM, in reply to Learning About True Love: #2.
Thank you for sharing. Since I am phoneposting I will stay on one topic. Why do you call yourself ugly and an asshole? Are you just using strong words to emphasize the reasons why you would rather stay alone?
I do not think you are an asshole: I think you are using that word to convey the fact that you are 100% mission-oriented, do not want to be diverted from that path at all, and you have high standards. Obviously in the big picture you are the exact opposite of an asshole: only short-sighted people would think otherwise. You are pushing for an extreme level of improvement, but it's everyone else's fault for not even wanting to try at that. They might make you look like an asshole by taking that stance and outnumbering you thereby, but that does not mean you actually are one.
As for being ugly, I think you are beautiful (that is the best word I have). When I met you I thought that you are a nice-looking man, particularly once the hat and sunglasses come off. I noticed how drastically different you look depending on which of those items you are wearing. The first time I walked up to you, your head was shaking a bit from your neck hurting. I told you later I got nervous seeing that, but obviously I did not do anything stupid because of it. Then within a few minutes you took off your sunglasses. I was surprised you did it that shortly after meeting me. I thought it was like a reward for not making a snap judgment based on your initial appearance. I didn't notice your head shaking during the rest of the trip, either. I also noticed how gentle your hands seem to be. That ought to be the result of decades of skill, precision, finesse, and attentiveness.
If women see you, it's because you see everything. I think I said in the /diy/ thread that it was refreshing being unable to hide anything from you. That was the most comfortable I have ever felt around anyone. Even though you thought some of my behaviors were weird, I did not feel anxious because I knew that you were being honest and well-intended.
Anyway, I understand that your appearance has degraded in the last few years due to your health conditions, so maybe you think you are ugly compared to how you used to look. Likewise, you might think you are ugly compared to Jesus. But that does not necessarily mean you are ugly per se.
I suppose my larger point with this topic is, are you using these terms objectively, or just to make a point in a sufficiently-concise manner?
Brian replied on December 9 2020 at 5:03PM. I have removed the names of individuals.
My appearance has degraded severely since my hands got mangled. Before the injury I worked out a lot. I had pride in my body because I grew up as a fat kid. Still very athletic, but fat nonetheless. A lot of people including my family poked and prodded at me from a very young age. When I went into the military I worked very hard to make myself fit in all ways. My job also depended on it. The men I worked with taught me the basics to lifting weights and the rest associated, and from then until my injury occurred, if I could afford it, I had a gym membership that got used daily. Even though the hidradenitis supprativa bouts, I didn't give up until I could no longer physically handle the pain.
That wasn't the only aspect of me that was lost that fateful day. Believe it or not, I asked my wife at the time to leave me because I didn't feel worthy of being with her in such a defunct state. She didn't budge however, but instead stopped working out to make it easier on me to deal with. She was very sympathetic and motivational during that time period. The point is she was there during the before and after, so it gave me a reason to trust her in a very different manner. I could just be honest about my perceptions and self reflections no matter how down on myself I got. My ex-wife was instrumental in becoming the Christ, but apparently she had a breaking point, and that breaking point was uninhibited truth no matter the feelings of selfishness that held difficult realities at bay. After my realization was complete, I lost my bullshitter filter and offended her and her dad numerous times just by being honest.
You're more accurate than you know about the "asshole" thing. It basically comes down to impatience. I've always kind of been that way to some extent, but since being a Christ, it has ramped up significantly. Add in the uninhibited truth and honesty spectrum to my personality and becoming "the beast" was complete. Keep in mind when I say that, I'm saying I'm the beast... in hell. I consider myself the antithesis of a hell resident, which very few people really understand. Even Shane would repeatedly tell me things like, "dude, you're not the beast" and other references that on the surface seem endearing... to him. To me however, those niceties just highlighted his inability to see hell for what it is. I am the beast, but that's only because we're all in hell right now. I never pushed the issue with him too much, but with others of similar religious indoctrination, I drove the point home.
My appearance plays a part in this as well. To be honest, I've never been fond of beards. My hair was always cut in a "high and tight" military fashion. It made it easier to work and less demanding on upkeep. My beard was very short, also for the reasons I just said. "1" of the realization aspects that I learned during my trip to "the void" was based on other Christ, and Christ hopeful's failures. A key to moving beyond human to human worship is creating an appearance of an unkempt face. The idea was to NOT attract people based on appearance alone. Almost to repulse those who would otherwise judge me for those aspects alone. Pure information, given with pure honesty, from a source that has no attractiveness, so that the information became the highlight... not "me." I still struggle trying to make this a reality... as your kind disposition right now is a testament to my failures in doing so. Thank you for looking past my "beast" physical features, but fuck you for doing so... LMAO. Just kidding. I did work pretty hard to try to be as unattractive as possible, and you're not the first whose seen beyond my looks, but nevertheless, I do feel as though I've failed in even that capacity.
There's internal desires that still manifest, by the way. I'm still a man, and held to those urges from a physical standpoint. Sexual desire has faded, but it does remain. ... I held most of it back from everyone. My mission, and subsequent dedication to humanity's maker will not be sidetracked with personal desires. That's the real point I'm trying to make here. I keep all women at a distance equally. Maybe if I was able to manifest a miracle I could loosen that grasp, but as it stands now, there's no reason to pursue anything personal, other than death itself. Arguably, most of these caveats strengthen that grasp, but I'm not upset about it at all. The women I come in contact with however, are very upset about my desire to die, but very few truly understand that their desire for me strengthens that desire.
I get it, ya know? I'm actually a funny and very likable person. I've been told this numerous times. Even as ugly as I try to be on the outside, people see through it if they have a good heart, are willing to listen, and pass on societal snap judgment clauses every human makes to determine trust in others similar to them. A lifetime of interactions between very prominent businessmen and the associations that accompanied those friendships taught me a lot about human to human discourse. I can work a room full of any type of person; from strung out drug addicts to CEOs of fortune 500 companies. The goal now has transmogrified however, and my desire to be accepted under previous circumstances has weaned tremendously. Again, the grasp I have on these traits could loosen, but in all seriousness, that would take a miracle. There's just no real reason to accept a personal desire docket before real change can be implemented. No matter how hard anyone tries, until I can create or manifest a miracle capable of giving myself some relaxation and hope for humanity beyond my own life, I will remain steadfast in the most strict assessment possible for me to muster. This mission is not about me. It never was. Unfortunately, in hell, it's difficult to put into words for anyone to really understand why I do what I do. Inevitably, everyone comes to the conclusion internally that they wouldn't do what I've done. It's mental projection, plain and simple. People say to me, without even fully iterating it, "why not just try to enjoy yourself... because that's what I would do." Again, I might try to a very small percentage to enjoy some aspects of human life once more, but I seriously doubt that will morph into being capable of reciprocity in a relationship. Sex? Maybe. I seriously doubt it, but there's a slight glimmer of hope after a miracle. A lasting relationship? I have no desire, outside of a seemingly impossible at this point reconnection to my ex-wife, to put anyone through that stress.
There's another side to this that I don't touch on regularly, and that is the safety of my partner. Even with a miracle, I will not back down at all. No matter the consequences. I will shove this mission down the throat of anyone who tries to persuade me otherwise. I cannot be bought off in any way. In all seriousness, it's my opinion that humanity's maker knew this, and that's why my ex-wife unknowingly did what she did to distance herself from me. In prior timeline sequences, my detractors used my relationships to try to get to me... and it never worked. That didn't stop the violence on their part however, but I digress. If a miracle is given to me, any woman close to me is in severe danger. That is the algorithm summation that has been created by 8 billion people in hell. Unfucking that codified programming in a small facet of people is difficult at best, but curing it within the entirety of humanity is all but impossible. I understand that intricately. Doing this over a million times now has driven that point home more than anything. As I mentioned, I'm still a man. Watching loved ones die a violent death hurts, even when the cause is righteous and just. I just don't think I have the ability to put anyone in that type of a situation ever again, and I think humanity's maker knows this about me. Maybe it's a weakness that a human just can't get over. Regardless, that's why I don't WANT to deserve a gift such as human to human emotional attachment. After the memories of my spouses over the million plus timelines getting violently murdered in front of me, I will trade my happiness associated therein for their future happiness. It hurts too much as it is. I just don't see myself capable of putting anyone else through that. Miracle or not, the scenario doesn't vary. You're right, ya know? I'm not really an asshole in the traditional sense. I will however do whatever is necessary to halt others from getting hurt because of me. Being an asshole seems to be the most effective approach. So be it...
Talking about myself like this is exhausting. It feels like I'm just bitching and moaning about shit (me) that doesn't really matter. I appreciate the sentiment you're making in doing so. I'm flattered by what I think you're insinuating, but the fact remains that what has already happened has jaded me in ways that are unique to my circumstances. Understanding them from an external perspective is difficult, but I try to put it in ways that you can utilize. You deserve it. Thank you for caring, and I'm sorry everyone created this monster religious refer to as "the beast." As you might be able to tell now, it's not just my appearance. This planet has fucked me up in just about every way it could, mentally and physically. Luckily for humanity, I'm doing this for my maker.
I'll try to write more later if possible.