The following is the 62nd message I received from Brian Harner, and the 165th message of our conversation. It was received on December 30 2020 at 9:28PM.
To clarify the second sentence, I am half-Italian, so the quoted term is one I used to refer to myself. For further clarification, see Note on Controversial Lanuage.
Well, if it's any consolation to you, you brought a smile to my face. "Pastanigger" is fucking hilarious, as well as your ability to self realize genetic impurities, but do not hinder your ability therein. That's a very difficult task for anyone to do. Capitulation to those ideals is an advanced approach to ego death, thusly should be showing you, in real time, the inability for your opponent in debate to do the same. You're better than him... and he knows it. His only recourse is to multiply the internal motives that substantiated his ego. In other words, he will try to do the opposite of what you've already proven you've done. It's a defense mechanism for the egotistical selfish brain... devoid of a real connection to soul. To bolster the capacity of the brain over the soul is what "evil" truly entails. Remember, all you have to do is turn the nomenclature around backwards. If you are trying to live (sustainably, righteously, subservient to your maker), and catch overwhelming arrogance volleyed to you in return... what does that mean? No matter what people do in their physical lives in hell to feel economically anthropological to a decaying/dying biosphere, they are "evil" in conception. Especially if they cannot fathom what Divine beauty means from a summation standpoint.
A short analogy to help reiterate the complexity of this scenario: Is the heroin dealer helping the addict by lowering his prices, or outright giving the product to the addict for free? Is he trying to help himself by being generous, or is he trying to secure future entitlements for himself physically, or (to the selfish complex) appearing altruistic in scope... seemingly to others that maintain the same egotistical nature? Apologies for the analogy being based in a question form, but they're designed to be rhetorical. I don't ask them as though I do not assume you do not already know the answers... Taking those debates personally is a mistake, but it's a mistake that I too still make. In the moment of emotional discussion with relatives specifically, the dichotomy of environmental prejudice capitulated to by people that quantify superiority with notions of age equaling wisdom, or monetary accruement having the ability to span generations within a finite energy paradigm (as all baby boomers seem to arrogantly presume), only quantifies their nigger, or demonic assumptions. Purely egotistical, selfish, arrogant nonsense... but the reinforcements are overwhelming, thus, the dereliction multiplies outside of your ability to profess truth or real understanding. Sticky. Coarse. Frustrating. Annoying. Personal... I understand what it's like. As I said, I too deal with this regularly now.
Sunday was an interesting day for me. I woke up feeling shittier than I usually do (which is pretty shitty, heh). I went to get a drink of water, and my dad seemed happier than normal. He was planning on going to the bookstore. Still hasn't read my book by The Way, but anyway, that was his plan. He wanted me to go with him, and was hoping that he'd talk me into it. After I declined his offer, he said that they have a "comics" section. Perplexed by that assertion, I asked WTF that has to do with anything? You see, my dad, in all his retired engineer glory of rampant consumption without substance other than just waiting to die, implies regularly, as he did Sunday, that I'm just an uneducated dumbass that doesn't read anything substantial, nor is there any evidence of him not understanding ANYTHING that I do without him being directly responsible for teaching the knowledge to me personally. He does this while also knowing that I was emancipated at 15 years old, just to reiterate the absurdity of his assertions. As I took this insulting, as most would given the circumstances, and feeling shittier than usual, I engaged his idiocy with emotional plight of my own.
He likes watching hoop-ape and hand-egg nigger entertainment regularly, as I used to do for the majority of my life prior to becoming a Christ. Football was on the TV... As I've explained to you numerous times now, and tried to explain to him numerous times as well, niggers exist in all forms of the human genome. To me, the word nigger means something entirely different than those that use the nomenclature to define black people. I do utilize the nomenclature to define black people, but that's because there are so many niggers present in that particular subspecies, but as you well know, I use it to define a certain type of human... skin color is devoid. During one of the numerous commercials showcasing a black man and white woman destroying their purity for Jewish/Reptilian means, I asked him why he likes watching all of this nigger garbage so regularly. I admit, it was bait for a stupid person, but a stupid person that SHOULD have remembered my varying degrees of utilizing that specific nomenclature nonetheless. As you can imagine, the fish was on, and ready to fight, lol. Several times during the next half hour of screaming and ranting on his part, and myself offering numerous trappings of rhetorical questions that he would fall into arrogantly, essentially contradicting every point he was trying to assume as the yelling went on, he crossed a line and I called his bluff. I made it a point to refer to several races as niggers during the "bout" of wits.
I was trying to make the argument as ironic as possible, and unlike him I have a sharp memory. During his yelling and screaming at that point, I put him to a test by asking him directly; "Do you think that everyone on Earth would be "happy" if they did everything your way?" Of course, in his extreme self ego stroking posture said yes, completely missing the trap that I set within the question itself by using a subjective nomenclature (happy). I then asked how he would make niggers happy, laughing internally. As I assumed he would, the next reply focused on how everyone is the same/equal, he knows many smart black people, it's about ideology not genetics, etc. Basically a rundown of every degenerate Jewish laden ideology known to baby boomer philosophical stance, to which I just rolled my eyes and laughed internally, but towards the end of the verbal diarrhea that the TV had taught him through the years, I cut off the idiocy with the original question; how would he make everyone happy. His reply was "equal education." A "baseline" for educating every human alive. I then asked if he truly understood what that means, by substantiating the claim as a representation of dumbing down the truly exceptional in favor of elevating the moronic. He did some fumbling over of word salad and backtracking to attempt substantiating his "baseline education" directives for ubiquitous happiness, but I verbally attacked the notion... which really pissed him off. He concluded quite hysterically at that point that "his" system of education would be able to recognize and support exceptional talent and elevate them accordingly. Next... I asked blatantly, "Wouldn't that piss the niggers off?" I thought his eyes would pop out of his head...
Immediately following that comment, my dad, who implied several times during the debate that I was dumb, needed to read more, and am "racist" (without being able to properly define why "racism" is "wrong" mind you), threatened me. He literally said to my face "If you say that word one more time, I'm going to knock you the fuck out." Me being me, I said "Well, you're a nigger then..." He reiterated "One more time!" So I called him a nigger, obviously. He stood up, cocked his fist, and then I called him a nigger several times as I walked towards him with my hands at my side. "Nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger... I do believe that's the 6th nigger, nigger, now 7th." I also turned my head and reminded him that I can't even make a fist, so he was free from retaliation, but he just stood there. I called him spineless as I walked outside to have a smoke. While smoking I replayed the argument in my head several times... while laughing at the sheer volume of irony and fake bravado through perceived virtue signaling on his part. After I finished my smoke, I came back in and said "The Jews have trained you well. You were about to hit your disabled son for saying a word... Great job, California liberal." He fancies himself as a conservative Trump supporter, but is heavily against weapon ownership. Haven't really spoken to him since that argument...
The point from the perspective of my reasoning to engage that type of dialogue, was to push him to a decision about forsaking me. It was an overly emotional discourse that he emphatically lost, but not from his perspective. Shortly thereafter he went right back to watching the TV propaganda unironically. Nonstop entertainment without any real ability to discern propaganda from benign theater. It's what he's been doing for decades. It's what his friends and colleagues have done for decades. It's seemingly impossible at this point to even imagine ANYONE that doesn't consume that information as being anything other than "stupid" or uninformed. Even with a very hard working and dedicated young lady, paying out of pocket to catalog damn near everything I've said, while having unmitigated access to the information, all while having me constantly asking (practically begging at times) to just read what's been written... my dad will ignore everything that the magic box does not teach him, vehemently... to the point of physical violence. He does this while saying I'm the stupid one.
So... I understand your dilemma more than you know. Baby boomers are a generation of sociopaths, literally. I'm not certain of the age of the man you're arguing with, but if he's not a boomer, he's been directly influenced by them, and has submitted to the derelict nature wholeheartedly. I also agree that sometimes fighting fire with fire is necessary. It's always interesting to me how that coalesces. I really did feel like shit prior to the argument we had. Then I must ask myself, was humanity's maker wanting that? As I contemplate those notions, I ask myself during prayer, is this an attempt to make my dad choose instead of procrastinating the decision itself? The truth is that I don't know. My emotions were running deep during the argument, but I cannot say for certain if I was the instigator of the dialect in play at the time. Nor could I say for certain if my dad was. All I do know is that he came across as a raving lunatic who had no idea how many times he contradicted himself, nor how idiotic his own notions of superiority actually came across as. Was he supposed to be learning from that debate, or was humanity's maker teaching me something about him? I just don't know. Humanity's maker resides at a precipice of knowledge that my brain cannot fully comprehend, but I must admit that that being firmly planted in everything I do understand, my emotions still intrude. My conclusion is that free will does exist, and as painful as the parameters of that paradigm are, especially when concerning relatives, I have to accept the game for what it is.
I've held back a lot during these past few weeks because I'm very proud of you. I don't understand, nor fully comprehend from your perspective on what you think I am. A Christ, yes, but what that means to you is beyond my capacity to fully integrate into my own perspective of what you are, and what your job is. Sometimes I too don't fully understand my own purpose, nor do I understand what remains of my own job. Being a Christ is the most complex and delicate "job" in existence... from my perspective, but from your own, I cannot fathom the meaning when I say that. To me, even still, I am just a stupid human that remains subjected to the complexity of emotions playing into the equation of reality itself on a global scale. I would be lying if I said that fear does not exist in my persona. What I can tell you is that there is no courage without fear, and that is the path that I will not waiver from. I get emotional. I'm frightened from time to time. I'm never completely certain of the future. These things do not mean that I am not the Christ of the new age, just as these ploys to your humanity do not mean that you are failing or "wrong."
I tell you this because I love you. Truly, I do. I'm very proud of your gumption and staying power. Hearing about the physical ailments that you seem to be inundating yourself with saddens me. I'm sorry for my part in your stresses. For what it's worth, I want you to know that your work has been monumental. I cannot alleviate your emotional response to argumentative situations, nor can I say thank you enough to stifle those interactions. They will happen, and if I'm guessing correctly, they will continue for me too. The mechanism I try to utilize for myself is humor. Even during the argument with my dad, internally, I was laughing. He could have forsaken me right on the spot, which he could also do at any moment, and truth be told, the aspects of freezing to death sound like they suck, but all I can do is my maker's bidding. Whatever that may be, and to be completely honest about it, I couldn't ask for anything more. Try to find solace in that ideal. In the moment, emotional pain can do damage to the psyche AND physical body. When trying to discern what arguments are just, or who is just in making them, try to maintain conviction in truth ideals. The truth does not capitulate to notions of superiority. The truth is always present, just waiting to be observed by all. If you are on the truth's side, nothing can harm you. That doesn't mean that your body is incapable of being subject to pain, but it should help alleviate the uncertainty your mind feels in the moments of emotional strife. I hope this helps you understand, and move forward with the confidence you deserve. And you do deserve to be confident!
Ya know, sometimes when I write to you these in depth emails, I feel like I'm talking to myself. Almost like you're giving me the subject matter I require to give myself a pep talk. It's always a pleasure to have this outlet, and thank you for opening up to me so regularly. That last email was crackin' me up... even if you weren't trying to be funny. I try to read everything you post, so try not to be discouraged if I don't reply regularly. I'm still paying attention...
Take it easy...