People become undesirable to be around when they are mired in thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and an overall vibe of scarcity. This means they want to get something out of you or they are otherwise an energy drain. The reason for this undesirability is that you feel obligated to give of yourself to them, perhaps in a particular way you would rather avoid.
That, or you yourself are mired in scarcity-thinking. This can mean several things:
(1) You assume, by default, that others are mired in scarcity, which leads to the above scenario.
(2) You want to get something from others. From here, there are three possibilities.
(a) You get it and don’t appreciate it, fear its loss, and/or are set back somehow because of it.
(b) You try to get it and you fail to do so.
(c) You don’t even bother trying.
All of these paths reinforce distrust, misery, and frustration.
Here is a visual representation of how the scarcity vibe works:
The Other Path: Abundance
The alternative is to create a vibe of abundance. First and foremost, this means that you do not need anything from other people, and you recognize this (note: at the very least, you don’t feel needy).
Second, you reject the belief that there is not enough. You are able to do this by valuing and emphasizing internal resources- which never run out- over external resources. To you there is joy in building and expressing your internal resources. You see the abundance of internal resources as the tools for creating, acquiring, and intelligently using all the external resources you could possibly want or need.
Because your internal resources do not run out or get shut off unless you choose to do so, you are able to freely use them and share them with others as much as you would like.
What amplifies your vibe of abundance is that you see reality in a special way. The reason you emphasize internal resources and take such joy in them is that you identify with consciousness itself. You see reality as primarily of consciousness, rather than physical matter. Because consciousness is both the container and the content of reality- the creator and the experiencer- you do not identify with your physical body any more than you do with anything else. This is because you are, and, simultaneously, you create everything within, around, and beyond you.
The non-physical notions within consciousness take form as certain entities in your perceptions of physical reality. All of these notions exist within you by way of your thinking about them, and they are reflected by your experiences. As such, not only do other people reflect and respond in kind to you—they are not at all separate from you. This means your internal resources affect them no matter how you use them.
The notions in consciousness you experiences most are those you give the most attention to. Because attention is an internal resource, you wield the power to choose it: you are thus the creator of your reality.
So, if you want to experience a reality in which unconditional love, generosity, compassion, sharing, intimacy, playfulness, fun, and an overall sense of well-being and aliveness dominate, it only makes sense to channel your internal resources into these entities-- each of which may be considered an internal resource in itself.
The Risk of Sharing Yourself
The so-called “major risk” you take in expressing these qualities and other entities is being ignored, rejected, or otherwise resisted by other people somehow. This is particularly the case with intimacy, which is self-disclosure, or the sharing of information about yourself. The more emotionally charged and personal the information is, the bigger the risk is perceived to be.
Of course, any act of self-expression is simultaneously an act of sharing. You are always sharing. You are always expressing something, even when alone. Your attention is always on something.
The belief behind the perception of this risk is that if you share yourself and are rejected, you will be degraded somehow. From the abundance mindset, this makes no sense, because internal resources cannot be lost—only either forgotten temporarily, or their use put on autopilot (subconscious decision-making). As consciousness itself- as everything and the creator of everything- how can you possibly be degraded?
To return to the social aspect of this “problem,” the only way people could possibly express trust in and acceptance of you is if you express these things yourself. You thus must make the first move. You have to establish a basis for trust by trusting that it is safe for you to express yourself in ways that you desire to, and then doing so accordingly. Go to that abundance vibe and share the entities you like putting your attention on. You don’t have to talk about them; rather, let your talk be guided by them. Talk, think, and live through them.
Again, you don’t need the other person to accept or be interested in what you express. Think of this communication as a gift. With each word and with each moment in their presence, you are giving something to the other person. The key here is that, if you are going to give something to someone, it might as well be the best or close to the best you can give to the (at least, something good!).
Are there guidelines for giving? At the least, there are a few pointers.
For one thing, you’re better off giving something you genuinely want to give, rather than something you think you should give. This way you will feel good about giving it. If your giving is based on obligation, you will taint the gift with bitterness.
The other suggestion is that you let your interactions play out in the present moment, rather than try to pre-plan them. If you walk around reading from a script, you will not always mean what you say, since your message will evolve and change. Plus, it is unlikely to fit into the context in which the conversation takes place, and you’ll probably grow tired of the script eventually anyway.
Experiment from one conversation to the next. When you allow yourself freedom of expression, communication becomes fun and interesting, rather than a painful, messily-calculated drudgery.
Additionally, different contexts will ask different things of you. Without compromising the essence of what you want to express, you will need to modify that message based on the present context. This includes the other person’s vibe (which involves either scarcity or abundance), what they want, their sensitivities, your intuitive perception of them (your gut feeling about this person), their levels of awareness and intellect, their interests, their knowledge, and their experiences, as well as factors in the physical environment. Environmental factors include the surrounding atmosphere (its vibe), the presence of other people and all their particularities (i.e. those listed about the first person), the comfort you both have there, how easily you can communicate, and a plethora of subtle minutia which may take effect, yet do so only subconsciously.
That sounds like a lot! Of course, no on consciously considers and analyzes these things while talking—it would take your attention away from the social activity at hand. It would stifle you and waste your time. The point is this: be sensitive to the present circumstances, and communicate in a way that the other person can understand. Alrighty?
The Outcome: Your Decision
Now, let’s turn to the outcome.
What happens when you hold a vibe of abundance? You begin by desiring to express yourself honestly—always. Essentially, you want to create an experience that raises consciousness. Your experience will be aligned with what you value—that is, the qualities of abundance.
As such, you will perceive people one of two ways: in the present moment, for a given situation, interacting with a certain person either will raise consciousness, or it will not.
In the case of the former, you will initiate and/or continue interaction with the other person. In the case of the latter, you will decline, limit, or cease interaction, turning them down politely yet, if needed, with some degree of honest elaboration. Exceptions to these outcomes occur only if you succumb to scarcity thinking (in that case, see the scarcity mind-map).
"Prospect," in this image, is another word for "possibility." You can replace "prospect" with any person, activity, situation, or object.
The arrow --> on the right side of the picture means that the next step is at the bottom left side of the page (it's like regular reading). At this point, there are two possibilities: connecting with the prospect and getting more involved with it will either lower your consciousness (top box) or raise it (bottom box).
Obviously the form these outcomes take will depend on the situation at hand. The other person could be a stranger, an old friend, or your boyfriend. This could be the first time you’re talking to them or the 1000th time. Your response may be to an invitation in the mail, an e-mail, a phone call, or a “hello” to your face. You may be considering whether to initiate a relationship with another person or end it. The “other person” doesn’t even have to be a person—it could be a club, a staff of people, or an organization.
Since the vibes of abundance and scarcity are relevant to all aspects of your life, and not just relationships, you can see these steps with their outcomes playing out anywhere.
If you perceive that a certain activity, such as your job, is reducing your level of consciousness (translation: you feel degraded, miserable, and trapped), what will you do? Will you hold the abundance vibe and either discontinue this activity permanently or limit your engagement with it? Or will you go another route entirely, and choose scarcity?
If you choose scarcity, it will be because you are trying to get something from this job—likely a paycheck. If you succeed in continuing to secure this job, you will either fail to appreciate it, you will perpetually fear its loss, or you will be set back somehow because of it (perhaps in your happiness levels; or you’ll shave off a few years of life). If you try and fail, that means you’ve either been fired or laid off. I
f you already have the job you’re unlikely to go with the “Don’t bother” option, though chances are you won’t try too hard to get any more out of it than you’ve already been getting.
Why Be Selective?
There may be some confusion. The perception that a certain interaction can lower your consciousness should be impossible to someone with the abundance mindset, who believes nothing in the physical world cannot degrade them—right?
Indeed, this is true. Other people cannot do fundamental damage to you. No one can hurt you unless you let them. Even if you do, this damage need not last forever.
However, in terms of the subjective perspective, there are aspects of oneself that are difficult to reconcile with. In other words, they’re batshit crazy. These aspects of self are projected into physical reality, where they take the forms of other human beings. The existence of these human beings reminds us of the batshit craziness that exists within.
That being said, where you put your attention is your choice, and you simply cannot put your attention on all aspects of yourself at once. Additionally, what you put your attention on tends to perpetuate, meaning that you get more of it. Steeping yourself in the irrationality of others may very well influence you to start thinking irrationally yourself.
I know, you’d like to think you’re totally invincible and cannot be influenced. Indeed, with practice and time, you can gain more conscious control over your mind and emotions.
However, this discipline of mind is not perfect. Why, just a second ago you were probably thinking of cats. Say, what was this article about again?
Sure, sometimes it can be fun to play with the darkness for a little while. You might even learn something from it. But when you care about living intelligently and sharing your gifts with the world, listening to other people complain about the stupidity of both the customers and their co-workers at a worn-out retail store destined for bankruptcy is kinda boring. The story’s always the same: these people are terrible because…
The boredom becomes especially apparent as you’re exposed to the unchanging story of pettiness more often. It’s junk food for the mind. Quite frankly, I don’t like junk food. When I eat it I feel like poop, and I don’t like feeling like poop. No matter how many times I engage with junk food, it’s still going to be junk. I can’t change it. I can’t take the junk out of it. So, why eat it? Why not eat some bananas instead, which I know will both be tasty and not kill me?
Closing Conversation Compassionately
The next steps after your decision to interact or not is the other person’s response. At this point, I don’t think I need to tell you how things go (especially because it depends so much on the situation), though I’ll give a quick overview.
If you reject another person, they may or may not want to know why, depending on who they are and what the situation is. In more serious and significant situations, the other person generally deserves to know why—even if they don’t ask, and even if your only reason is, “I don’t want to talk/engage/date/work/do slave labor/live with you anymore.” Otherwise, you don’t need to make a case for yourself. The other person probably won’t care too much for it anyway.
That being said, honesty is the fastest route to advancing any sort of human relationship. In essence, it is the only route. Everything else is a slow-moving game that walks in circles. The more direct you are, the faster you can close, open, or continue conversation.
Directness, of course, can easily be perceived as rudeness and intimidation, even if you don’t intend to express these things. If you’re too harsh in trying to close a certain interaction (e.g. a request to babysit their kids, a request for a date, a demand for your enslavement) you may actually draw things out by hurting the other person’s feelings. Now you have a new situation on your hands—especially if you regard this person as more than a stranger.
That aside, reasonable directness is usually the most intelligent approach to take when talking to other people (con artists and soul-stealers aside, though I won’t address those here). It quickly ends things that need to be ended, and it can quickly start things you want to get started. For example, someone hits on you and you blatantly tell them you're not interested. Perhaps you even tell them how repulsive they are to top it off. ;)
Again, however, that directness can come with some intimidation, whether it’s from the directness itself or the message you’re sharing. In the example given, the other person (in my case, the dude) tends to respond either with insecurities or with an attempt to bend you to their will. Whatever happens, honesty and a stance of abundance must continue. I have to accept total responsibility for what I say, and then respond intelligently to the consequences.
When I’m met with insecurities, I express genuine compassion (well, unless I flee, but I won’t address that here either). The other person wanted something, he tried, he failed, and now he’s embarrassed as to why he failed. It’s on the side of scarcity, and I don’t want to go down that well with him, but I can stand at the top and help him pull the rope, so he can get out of the well.
Sometimes, I’m that person in the well, too. I’m the one who’s trying to get something from someone and then is frustrated and embarrassed at my failure. When I see other people go into the well, I will gain nothing by following them there. All I’ll create is a scarcity-based mess. It’s the blind leading the blind: we’re bound to get into some sort of conflict.
Feeling badly or guilty about scarcity isn’t effective at changing scarcity. I wouldn’t expect someone I’m interested in to apologize to me for not feeling the same way. What on Earth would that do? If I felt badly about the situation, it would be no cure. Most likely I will only perpetuate the air of lack.
Plus, it’s just foolish. Being apologetic for yourself never helps or heals anything unless you truly are in the wrong, such as if you deliberately hurt someone or you had a moment (or many moments) and unleashed your batshit craziness with all of its frustration, embarrassment, and guilt upon them, which roughly equates to some form and extent of delusion.
When met with scarcity in another person, the intelligent approach is to hold your ground. Be honest and remain in the air of abundance. Give a tug on the rope without going down into the well yourself. Honesty is the essence of the response here. Decline, forgive, walk away—whatever you do, do so because you mean it.
A deluded person doesn’t need to be subjected to further delusion. The proper treatment is an injection of honesty. You can’t fix another person, and you shouldn’t try to. The best you can do is to make relative peace within yourself with the qualities they demonstrate. The first step toward that peace is sharing, with those parts of yourself, what you believe to be the truth. In so doing, you can make the way a little lighter—for yourself as well as for the other person.
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